Fine Line

Chapter 8 - Out of my Head

- TW: SEXUAL ASSAULT/RAPE(NEVER EXPLICITLY SAYS ANYTHING HAPPENED BUT SUGGESTS SO) -

My eyes slowly open and drift over to the open window. It's barely morning at this point. My head is pounding, and I can't remember anything past standing in the middle of the dance floor with Denki. I can remember Kaori leading me about two steps before everything became a blur. Something must've happened later on because she isn't here now. 

It takes me several minutes of laying on Kaori's bedroom floor and trying to remember what happened for me to realize that I was completely naked. My clothes, for some strange reason, were on the other side of the room. It would make no sense that I'm naked in her room if she isn't here right now. She always stays until I wake up. It just doesn't make sense. 

I try to ignore the abnormality and just get dressed instead. It takes a minute for me to get a good balance before I can hobble over to my pile of clothes. My legs are kind of sore and Kaori isn't here. No one is here. I walk into her bathroom with my clothes so I can dress where there isn't a huge window open. Peering into the mirror, I notice something I didn't before. Bruises. Hand-sized ones, at that. Right on the inside of my thighs.

Suddenly, everything makes sense. I shudder as shivers run down my spine. 

The entire night comes rushing back to me, everything flooding my mind. The things she did and said, leading up to the very moment I passed out. I don't know whether to cry or to lash out and get mad. I eventually decide to huddle myself into a little egg shape on the floor. Not moving, not making a sound. Just staring forward at the wall in front of me, eyes shot open, never bothering to blink. My mind is empty. I'm not thinking about what happened or what I'm going to do. It's just blank. 

Nothing.

Suddenly there's a knock on the bathroom door. It's Momo, wondering if I need a ride home. 

"One minute, Momo." My voice is monotone and quiet. It doesn't sound like me at all.

I take my clothes and actually put them on this time. I rinse my face with some water and try to snap out of it. It doesn't work, but it's a nice splash of reality, anyway. 

I take a deep breath and open the bathroom door to see Momo with a cheery expression taped to her face. I fake a smile and move past her swiftly, trying to act like my legs didn't hurt from just standing. 

I notice Kaori cleaning up some cups off the floor from the corner of my eye. I try to act like she isn't there and just move by her quickly. It doesn't work, and she notices me anyway. 

"Bye-bye, muffin! Love you!" She yells to me. She thinks I don't know what she did, or rather, what she was paid to let him do. She acts as if nothing happened. I don't get how she could do that and have a clear mind and conscience today.

"See you, Kaori," I say softly, avoiding eye contact. I don't care if this makes her realize I know what she did. Nothing matters at this point. 

She acts as if she's surprised that I spoke to her like that. Her expression looks confused, but I can see past it. She doesn't want anyone to know that she's the reason I acted that way. She lets me go anyway. As long as she makes it known that she's "confused," she doesn't need to follow up with me. 

I really trusted her. I told her things that Todoroki didn't even know, and this is how she treats me in return. I can't even look at her without feeling sick. When I eventually get over it, I'll tell her we're done. I mean, what'd she expect me to do when I found out? Love her even more? Thank her? Come on. 

"Ready, y/n-chan?" Momo asks, coming up behind me.

"Mhm." I nod my head and make my way to her car. Instead of hopping over the door as I'd usually do, I open the door to get in. It's out of character, and the girls notice. They were all waiting in the car beforehand. 

"What's wrong, babes? Getting in the car like a normal human being isn't like you!" Mina says, cheerfully. I can sense the worriedness in her tone, even so. 

"No, I'm alright. Just a long night, I need some rest," I lie. Mina shoots me a skeptical look but doesn't question me. 

The ride home feels longer than the fifteen minutes it was on the way here. It's silent. I'm usually one of the people who carry the energy in our group, so the way I'm acting right now doesn't make anyone else any more energetic. Mina knows something is up, but she doesn't want to talk to me about it with everyone else, so she just lays her hand on my shoulder. Momo has music playing quietly in the background, songs we'd usually be screaming to. It makes it even more awkward that the only sound is the music. 

After what feels like hours of a silent car ride, I'm finally home.

"Bye, babes. Text me later, mk?" Mina says. 

I nod my head in response and turn to start walking towards the house. The door of my house looks more comforting than anything I'd ever seen. The muted tones of the grey door, the white curtains in the window, everything about it makes me feel warm and fuzzy inside. I step inside to be embraced by the sweet scent of the house. 

"Hey, kiddo, welcome back. No drugs at the party, right?" 

"Yeah," I say quietly. I don't stop to hug him, I just keep walking to the medicine cabinet to grab an Advil before heading upstairs to my room. I shut the door silently behind me and flop down on the bed face down. I hear a knock on the door. 

"Hey, kid. Can I come in? I know something's wrong." His voice is muffled through the door. 

"I guess so." I don't have the energy to contradict him right now. I hear the twisting of the doorknob, and not soon after, I feel his presence next to me on the bed. He places a hand on my back in an attempt to comfort me. It does, slightly. But it's not enough to fix what happened. 

I feel dirty. The feel of where his hands were won't leave me. I still know where they were, even though I was asleep when it happened. 

"I need a shower, Aizawa. I'll talk to you later," I tell him. His facial expression goes from wondering if something was wrong, to knowing without a doubt there is a problem. I never call him Aizawa. Now he knows for a fact that something's up.

I get up, feeling his hand fall from my shoulder as I walk away from him. I feel his eyes on me, trying to pick apart my actions. I don't feel like telling him to quit psychoanalyzing me.

I shut myself in the bathroom and rip my clothes off. I can't even look at them, they disgust me too much.

Turning the faucet on, I run my fingers through the scolding hot water. I plug up the drain and slip into the tub. 

Without wasting a second, I take my soap and my washcloth and scrub until my skin is red and raw. No matter how much I washed, no matter how much I scrubbed, I still felt dirty. I can still feel his hands on my legs and my arms–everywhere. I sink under the water and stay there until I can't handle it any longer. After about an hour, I realize that nothing is going to make me feel clean again, so I give up and get out of the tub. It's a sad realization that I know I'll never be able to forget where his hands were, and I'll never be able to rid myself of this dirty feeling, but it's something I'll have to come to terms with eventually.

I take my towel and wrap it around myself, staring in the mirror. I know I'm stronger than this, so why is it affecting me so much? I deserve more than her, but she wouldn't do this unless she had some insurance that I would have to stay. She's not stupid enough to think I wouldn't try to leave her, but I can't figure out what it is she has that she thinks holds some power over me. I'm fairly sure I remember everything that happened, so what could she possibly know? I'll talk to her tomorrow at school.

For now, I'll just try to get it off my mind. I'll text Mina or talk to my dad––Something, I don't know. 

I just have to get it out of my head.