Faith In Me

20.

Robert swallowed thickly, feeling intimidated by the sheer amount of food that he was supposed to eat. Robert’s diet had become drastically small over the span of 3 months, he didn’t know if he could stomach all of this. “Sit, darling.” riita said, already placing down a mug of tea for orbert. “I made your favorite foods, and i made your favorite tea as well! I hope you enjoy sweetie, ''Rita said, sitting down across from robert. 

Robert glanced up at his mother, flashing a weak smile before taking his plate and slowly starting to eat. “Thanks mum… but you didn’t have to make all of this, how long have you been awake?” Robert said quietly. “Since 6 love, I just wanted you to have a good meal before leaving… touring can be hard, it’s stressful. I just wanted you to know that no matter what happens, you will always have your family.” Rita said, reaching over and taking Robert's hand.

“I don't know what you’ve been going through Robert, but I can see the change in you… you’re not happy. And you haven’t been happy in months…” Rita said, squeezing Robert's hand. Robert felt a pang of guilt and he looked down at his food, unable to meet his mother’s concerned gaze. “You can always- ALWAYS talk to me robert… not matter what, i will always love you.'' Rita said, offering an understanding smile before pulling her hand away. 

Robert took in a shaky breath before lifting his tea to his lips; they were almost done healing now. Robert took a long drink before setting it down and shoving some food into his mouth; trying to eat fast so he could elave. Once robert finished a few mouthfuls he shoot up, “thanks for the food mum but i’ve got to go now.'' Robert said, moving away from the table. Rita watched with a surprised face before standing up as well, “a-alright, don't rush Robert goodness' 'Rita laughed, pulling Robert into a hug.

Robert awkwardly patted his mother’s back before sighing, feeling like he would break at any moment if his mother didn’t just leave him alone. “I love you robert.” Rita said sweetly, squeezing Robert titghyl before pulling away. “Alright, now you can go.” she grinned, making robert give what looked like a smile; but it was more of a grimace really…

“By mum. I’ll be back later after I finish shopping." Robert said before turning on his heel and quickly walking away; already pulling out his pack of cigarettes only to see that it was empty. “Jesus fucking christ, of course” robert gronaed, tossing the carten into the bin before walking out the door.  Robert pulled out his keys before walking to his van, getting inside before sighing. Robert leaned his forehead against the steering wheel, simply sitting there for a moment before putting his van in gear and pulling out of the driveway.

As Robert drove down the bumpy street, he thought about what his mother said. He thought it was stupid, if she really knew the truth would she actually still care for him? If his mother were to find out he was kissing boy and even had sex with one; would she really still lvoe him? Would she still be able to look into his eyes and say ‘i love you son’. Robert didn’t think so, it was utter shit. 

Love was only conditional, it was vile and not worth his time. From everything Robert had experienced, he didn’t believe that good could come from love. Love causes pain, anger, regret…

Robert gripped the steering wheel tightly, his knuckles turning white. Robert promised himself that he would never let anyone like Barry hurt him again; and most of all he wouldn’t let himself fall for simon. Robert was still hurt by what Simon said; when Robert tried to confide in him, all he got in return was ‘I just need some space’. 

Space? Simon gallup wanted space? How funny; last time Robert checked Simon was the one always hounding him for attention, always coming onto him for sexual favors. Robert grinded his teeth together, Robert was so angry- he was practically seeing red just from thinking about it. Robert wanted Simon to hurt, to feel what he was feeling.