Faith In Me

18.

Robert picked at the scabs on his fingers; his habit of biting his nails had gotten worse, to the point where he would chew the skin until it would bleed. "If i'm honest simon, i'm not doing so hot right now." Robert admitted, much to his own surprise. Robert just sort of blurted the words out, he didn't even think about it.

"I'm sorry.." Simon said, voice becoming quiet. Robert blinked before realizing what Simon was getting at. "What? No- simon no. it- no." robert stuttered, slapping his face in embarrassment. "It has nothing to do with... that. No, I'm obsessing over the fact that I'm not ready to play that stupid show tonight '' Robert hissed, not even able to spit out the words properly. Robert refused to talk about what happened between him and simon; he would avoid it as long as he possibly could.

"O-oh, im... right, the show.'' Simon said, hesitating before simply moving on. "I know that bastard did this on purpose, he's out to get me simon i fucking know it.'' Robert hissed, sounding a bit deranged. "Yeah i know robert, but let's just deal with it for now. I won't let him do anything to you, i promise.'' Simon said sternly, meaning to make Robert feel better.

Robert frowned, looking down at his lap. Robert repeated what Simon said in his head over and over again, wishing to hear Simon breathe out those words one more time. "Robert? Are you still there?" Simon's voice cut through Robert's brooding.

"U-uh.. yeah, i'm still here.'' Robert said before clearing his throat awkwardly. "Oh... ok." Simon said before another awkward silence started. Robert chewed at his cheeks, wanting to speak more; but he was afraid of what would happen. Robert wanted to say, 'simon i'm so glad you called, i've missed just talking to you.' but Robert held back; knowing that he had to stay in his own lane.

"W-well i have to go... carla is calling me." Simon said quietly, sounding a bit disappointed. "Bye robert..'' Simon whispered before hanging up. Robert sat there motionless, staring at his lap still before he let out a weak breath and hugged the phone to his chest. "Damnit.."

~~~

Robert spent the rest of the day stuck inside his head, repeating his conversation with simon over and over again, thinking about every possibility of the show going wrong, what simon might be doing at that moment. Robert felt overwhelmed, and even when he tried to talk to someone about it, the words caught in his throat and he couldn't speak.

It was funny actually, when writing lyrics Robert could say exactly what he wanted, but when it came to having to talk to someone face to face; Robert was a bumbling idiot.

Robert eventually ended up smoking week by himself to calm his nerves, listening to his records as he stared at the ceiling. Robert thought about the night Simon first kissed him; the storm was all he could vividly remember. Robert closed his eyes and tried to remember the small details of the night.

He remembered how he spent 15 minutes lighting candles while Simon made something edible in his kitchen. He remembered Simon smiling at him. He remembered the way Simon smelled that night, the way his hands slowly caressed his skin. The sweetness of their first kiss, the sinful euphoria of Simon's hands stroking him.

Robert let out a breath, feeling himself getting hard at the memory. Robert closed his eyes, trying to imagine what simon would do if they were alone together...

Robert laid his arm over his eyes and bit his lip, letting his fingers brush against his lower stomach. The bitter sweet memories were soon replaced with sickening images of Simon's hurt expression; asking Robert why he was pulling away. Robert pursed his lips, suddenly thinking about how Barry had tried to touch him, thinking about the times Mary used his body for pleasure.

Robert was convince by now that sex was nothing but a vulgar act, a selfish need to take advantage of somone's vulnerability. Robert took his hand away and sat up, wiping his face before swinging his legs over the sides of his bed and standing up. "Maybe i need to get drunk tonight." Robert hummed, walking over to his window and peeking out into the street, watching as people strolled past happily in their own little worlds.