Melancholic (BxB)

Chapter 43

Ever since I found out about my sexual orientation coming out became one of the most terrifying things to me. I was always pretty insecure about the way I looked and about the way people perceived me. I wanted everyone to like me but at the same time I was too afraid to show my true self to the world. In the end I got so confused that I didn't even know what I wanted.

Was it the freedom or was it the love and affection? Having them both was practically impossible.

After I spent all that time being so lonely I realized that not everyone was going to like me. I knew I shouldn't have let others define me but it was so hard to ignore their opinions because I once thought that those people were my friends and family. I didn't want to disappoint them and the only way of doing that would be by lying. But eventually I got tired of keeping secrets. Everything became really exhausting after a while. I didn't even know who I was anymore and as the time passed I was starting to become the person they wanted me to be. But at what cost?

I lost the sense of who I was. I got depressed because I realized that I had to choose.

I had to choose between them or me. I either had to put on an act for the rest of my life and pretend like I was normal or accept the fact that they would never understand me and leave all those people behind.

It was very hard for me to make that decision. Not only because I was afraid but also because this meant that I would have to sacrifice something else too. I would lose their love and even though I knew their feelings were fake I still wanted them. I wanted to feel like I was included. They made me believe that the only way to achieve true happiness was by obeying societal norms, otherwise you'd be considered an outcast, a person who was rejected by everyone. And people like that had a hard time surviving in today's world. of course to me being shunned and ostracized by everybody seemed like the most terrifying idea ever.

But once I finally left my hometown behind and met the people who actually liked me for who I really was, I became happy. I was happy because I didn't have to hide anymore. No one even cared if I was gay in my new school so I eventually felt the freedom I desired and it was so nice that I thought I was dreaming.

You know what that whole experience taught me? I finally realized that there wasn't anything wrong with me. I didn't have to change to fit into other people's ideals.

Those who didn't accept me in the past were the ones that I needed to erase from my life if I wanted to get rid of this burden. They were holding me back and because of them I wasted so much of my teenage years feeling left out and miserable. Obeying them was not a path that would lead me to anywhere nice. It was the road of destruction and I was done walking down that path once and for all.

I also realized that if I wanted to stay happy I had to surround myself with the people who supported and loved me. And that was exactly what I was planning on doing.

"Hey, Jesse, are you okay?" Tae-soo started waving his hand in front of my eyes to snap me out of my fantasy.

"Oh, sorry," I blinked and looked at him to concentrate on what he was saying. "Did you tell me something?"

"I wanted to introduce you to my girlfriend Allyson," Tae-soo smiled and looked at the girl who was sitting next to him. "Allyson, this is my childhood friend Jesse."

I was so deep in the thinking process a few seconds ago that I completely forgot that we were at the school cafeteria and I hadn't eaten anything yet.

I was really irritated ever since yesterday because of Violet's phone call but I didn't want my bad mood to ruin this otherwise joyful moment.

"It's very nice to meet you, Allyson." I said with a friendly smile and shook the girl's hand.