Boot(s)

50 - Boots

Peter Jackson

June 2005

I miss Bobby so much. It's weird. I'm weird.

I miss him so much there feels like there is a hole in me where he should be. Is that normal? To love your best friend that much? Maybe its because I don't have any real family. Maybe he is that for me. I miss Jess, of course. But it doesn't feel anything like this. I feel like I lost a piece of myself. I'm dying to call him.

April 2006

I kissed a boy this week. I don't really know how it happened. We were hanging out in my room and suddenly we were all over each other. We were making out and having fun and all I could think about.... Bobby. At one point I opened my eyes and saw him, like I was kissing him, not Tommy.

I think I know why I miss him so much.

December 2006

I want to call Bobby so badly. It's Christmas. I want him. I want to tell him about all the dreams I've been having about him and that he's the only person I'll ever love. I don't know what to do. If I call and tell him, what happens then? He's in college. I'm in Houston. We wouldn't be able to be anything. And then it would just kill him when I die. So I can't call him. I can't.

If I could call him, I think I'd say this

Bobby, I know this is weird. But I'm in love with you and for some reason I missed it all those years ago. And now, without you, my body aches. Its been almost two years but I still see your eyes every time I close mine. I can feel it in my bones that you love me too. I know you do. I wish we could be together. I wish I could just touch you, just once. As more than friends. Because lets face it. We were never just friends.

March 2007

Bobby is in the NBA. He looks amazing out there. I knew he would be great. So, so great. I never thought I'd see him again. Never thought I'd see him grow up. Yet here he is, on TV, shooting hoops, making me hot all over. Fuck. I hope he knows I'm watching.

March 2010

I'm getting deployed. It's been years since I've written about him, I think. It used to be cathartic, but then it just started making me sad. I still miss him every day. Especially moments like this. These big moments, when the only person I would even care to see or talk to is him. No one else. Just him.

May 2016

I am sleeping under the stars. I wonder if he has anyone with him right now. I am so lonely.

July 2020

I'm in the hospital and I am forced to write this as part of my therapy. I stopped writing years ago because there was no one to write to except my damn self. I have lost my leg. I'll probably never walk again. When I get out of here, I'm putting a bullet in my head. Right between my eyes. I think they all know it, too. The nurse is cool though. She reminds me of what a real mom would be like.

August 2020

I've never been more excited to get out of a place in my life. I'm 2 weeks away. I think I'll check into a Four Seasons when I get out. Treat myself to a few days of R&R then do it.

September 2020

Nancy is forcing me to do this stupid assembly at my old middle school. I don't know what she's been doing behind the curtains, but somehow she got in touch with the new principal there. She insists she called her, but I know Nancy offered my services. I guess this derails my big plans a few days, but I'm starting to think I would do anything for Nancy. She really is just like the mom I always wish I had.

September 2020

Oh my. God. Bobby. Here. Georgia. Our home town. His eyes. His smile. He looks at you like you're the only thing he can see. Or maybe he just looks at me like that. Need a few more days to figure that out. Delaying plans another week or so.

November 2020

No more plans. Just Bobby.