A First Love to Die For

Chapter Twenty-Seven- Torturous

(Lincoln's POV)

I wasn't sure if any of this was the right thing to do. All I knew was that Josie had been under the impression all these years that I hadn't truly loved her. If I did my job right today, then hopefully she would at least understand that I had been fully invested. I didn't know how in the world I had ended up cheating on her with Candy but what I did know was that it had derailed the plans that I had for our future.

Josie had been my future. I just needed her to believe that. Our love wasn't a cheating kind of love... or at least I hadn't thought it was.

She had pushed her sunglasses up into her hair and her eyes were vibrant as she took in my house. "Whose place is this?"

I couldn't help my smile at her joy. "Mine, you like it? Can I give you a tour?"

She said an excited, "Yes!" and I took a sip of my own beer as we walked up to the house.

I knew there were things I wanted to explain about this place and why I bought it, but for now, I just wanted to take in the moment and enjoy her excitement. A piece of me flashed through what it might have looked like if I had been able to show her this place as our dream house.

What if we had been able to start our life here together?

Not wanting to embrace those depressing thoughts, I kept moving and tossed over my shoulder, "Gabriel and I renovated it a couple of years ago. It was kind of a gut job, but I love every nook and cranny of it. I use it as a rental property."

She looked interested. "It's empty now?"

"Yeah, it has a family coming in for the next month on Saturday, but I thought you might want to see it."

I didn't miss the confusion that passed over her face, but I chose to ignore it and keep moving.

The scent of vanilla and caramel wafted through the air as she moved up closer to me on the front porch. I missed this woman. Her scent, her sense of humour, her kindness, her.

What was I thinking? Spending time with her in a non-work setting was torturous.

As we walked around the wrap-around porch, the sun hit her, and I could see the outline of her black bikini under her cover-up. I tried not to stare but my god...

As she praised the porch, I wiped my sweaty palms on my shorts. I felt ridiculous because showing her this was important to me, with each compliment, I got more uncomfortable with how to express why we were here.

I wasn't surprised that she loved the porch. We had once gone to a party that had one similar. Gabriel and I had used it as the model for this one. It went all the way around the house and so it had multiple places to congregate.

Josie had been in awe of the porch that night and I had decided that if I ever had the chance to build one like that, I would. Fast forward to building plans years later and there was no way that I wasn't adding that to this house.

It was utter stupidity when I really thought about it because we weren't together, but I still had built this whole house with her in mind. If that didn't say love, I don't know what did.

Maybe not god damn cheating, you dick.

We kept moving and I laughed as she sat for a minute on the porch swing that looked out on the lake and then got up right away again, excitedly following me to see what it looked like at the front of the house.

As we got to the front stairs that led down to the driveway, she looked at me and I preened a little bit at the look in her eye. There was a little sitting area at the top of the landing of the front stairs, it made the entire place look homey and inviting.

She gestured around and said, "You and Gabriel built all this?"

Her voice was a little bit more shrill than normal and again I caught myself basking in her delight. "Wait till you see the inside."

I grabbed her hand and went to pull her inside but let go right away, not wanting to overstep.

As we walked through the front foyer, I found myself looking at the place through her eyes. We had a really strict rental policy and great cleaners so although the place has a revolving door of renters coming through there was very little out of place.

The front foyer was wide open with lots of storage and organizing space. It wasn't the same as knowing what her dream porch looked like but I had still obviously been thinking of Josie when we had done the front entryway. She was an organized little soul, even then and liked things to be in their correct place.

We headed into the kitchen and again I was smacked in the face with the fact that I had somehow built a kitchen for her. We continued to go through the house, and it was clear to me that every square inch had been made, envisioning what this woman would like and want. I had somehow managed to subconsciously or in some cases intentionally consider her throughout the entire house.

We finished the tour and went outside and sat down on the chairs that were set up by the water. I opened us both a new beer and she said, "Thanks. Can I ask you something, why did you bring me here?"

I thought about how to respond. Full transparency seemed best. "Since finding out about what really happened, I've been hyper-focused on all of it but the thing that upsets me the most is that you thought I was showing you through my actions that that was how I really felt. I needed to try to show you otherwise."

She took a sip of her beer as if looking for something to do, her eyes never straying from mine as I continued. "That summer you were coming home, and I was making big plans for us. The crazy thing about me blacking out that Canada Day was that the whole reason, I was drinking so much was because I was nervous. I reached into the little pocket of the cooler bag and pulled out the little box I had put there earlier today. I had planned on asking you to marry me here."

I gestured around in a wide circle. "I had used my inheritance to buy this place and had hoped that we could renovate it together. Then years later when I finally got around to renovating it, there was no way that I wanted to live here. It was supposed to be our home. That's why I rent it out. It was just one more sad reminder of what I had lost."

She stayed quiet and I took a few sips of my own beer trying to gather my thoughts. I busied myself putting the ring back in the pocket and then said, "I completely understand you never wanting to be with me again, but it was killing me that you thought I didn't really care for you."

I considered stopping there but figured if I was doing this, I was putting it all on the table. "You have haunted me for years. Christ, when we did start working on the house, I did it with you in mind. I never stopped loving you and I guarantee you, if you ever gave me a second chance, it would never happen again."

I found myself nodding so hard that my neck muscles were straining and slowed myself down. Taking a deep breath, I tried to think about how to explain what I was feeling. How to explain how disturbing the whole scenario was. "By no means am I excusing my behaviour or saying that I am innocent here, but the idea of me being a willing participant in something with Candy of all people..."

It turned my stomach to think about it. The amount I must have had to drink, the lack of control, the betrayal. I reached out and linked our fingers, not wanting to overstep but needing the connection to continue, "I need you to know, if you ever gave me a second chance, I would make it my life's mission to never disappoint you again."