An Arrow To The Chest

42

"You look upset," Khad says, which takes me by surprise because I had been trying my hardest to conceal my shitty mood.

After sulking in my room, I had jumped at the opportunity to have some company, hence ambushed Khad the minute I heard him walk to the kitchen. Apparently, meal prepping was his 'new thing', hence the kilo of meat sizzling away on the pan, spitting oil that he would try and dodge.

Of course I look upset. I have the impossible task of deciding what's going to hurt more. The idea of never getting to feel Arrow's lips against mine. Always wondering what it would feel like to have his body on top of me. The 'what if' looming over, like a dark cloud that blocks the sunshine. Or hurting Jackson.

But obviously I can't explain that to Khad.

"Me? Upset? Nope, I'm fine," I reply, trying my best to not sound so defensive, but also failing. If I was going to confide in someone about the messed-up situation I had created for myself, Khad was not the person. He seemed like the type to actively avoid talking about feelings, and the lack of eye contact was a clear indication that he'd rather brush over the whole ordeal.

"I know what 'I'm fine' means in girl language, and I was taught to be a good listener. So try me."

"When did you become fluent in girl language?"

"My ex-girlfriend trained me up pretty well. Apparently, men are expected to read minds instead of follow instructions, but when we don't follow instructions we get shouted at too. There's no winning."

I can't imagine Khad having a girlfriend- the picture of him with a girl on his arm instead of a sports bag unimaginable. I couldn't even picture the type of girl he'd go for, whether it would be someone equally as sporty and athletic as him, someone petite that looks like a dwarf beside him, whether she'd have a bubbly or shy personality.

"You look surprised," he says, and I realise I had zoned out instead of responding to him, scanning through girly faces in my head and trying to place them besides Khad. So far, no luck.

"Sorry, it's not that I thought you couldn't get a girlfriend, obviously you can. You just always seem more interested in sport and friends than girls. I don't think I've ever seen you bring a girl here," I trail off, wanting to add 'unlike all the girl's Arrow brings', but I manage to hold my tongue.

"Yeah, well, I think I want a break from females. Focus on me, my ambitions, taking sports seriously." For a moment a look of sadness flashes across his face, as though he's remembering a sad memory, and I wonder if he's thinking about her. But just as quickly as I notice it, it disappears, and his focus is back on the pan. He reaches for the tongs, flips the chicken over, then focuses his attention back on grilling me.

"So, does your moody expression have anything to do with Jackson?"

Whilst I know confiding in Khad is a bad idea, the words spill out before I can stop them.

"I kissed Arrow."

The words come out spontaneously, and I have instant regret at saying it out loud.

"Bow and Arrow? Really? That's surprising. I can't really picture you two hooking up. Also, when did you break up with Jackson? Can't say that part surprises me though, the party was a bit of a disaster."

"Well... technically we haven't broken up?"

"Technically?" He looks at me with an amused expression, waiting for me to expand on the topic.

"I don't know what I want Khad, my heads very confused. I love him a lot, and I can't imagine life without him, but things aren't the same anymore. We don't talk as much, and the idea of seeing him makes me anxious, and when we do talk there's this awkwardness to it. But I feel so guilty because we promised each other nothing would change, and I'm scared things have already changed too much, and knowing I've cheated on him makes me hate myself. Do you think I'm an awful person?"