No Turning Back

Chapter Nineteen: Weakness

Turning my mind to more pleasant thoughts; it made me happy that Primis and I were able to be so close. Even something as simple as feeling his arm around me made me feel protected - even though I was still vulnerable to my own thoughts.

But it was very strange though; I never thought for one minute that Primis would be this comfortable showing affection - even with Dempsey's teasing. I had always imagined him to be so heavily guarded that he would just treat me like the others. But perhaps being a woman allowed me special privileges. After all, Primis does come from a time where women are regarded as gentle delicate creatures that need protecting.

But what really made me admire and respect him was that in all the time so far; not once did he try anything with me. Not once did I catch him showing any kind of oogling that women had come to expect from men. He was such an absolute gentleman. And that was something I struggled to fully comprehend - given my abysmal opinion of men.

Back home, I had become so jaded by the sad excuses for men. The horrid superficial society had churned out men that no longer knew how to properly interact with he opposite sex. It no longer became a pleasure to even try to go on dates with the advent of sleazy dating apps and our obnoxiously stripped back mating rituals which left so many blinded by carnal lust. To even mention 'courting' was ridiculed and laughed at.

Most other aspects of life had also undergone the same one-dimensional superficiality which had drained the colour out of life. Whole generations of people - even women - had seemed to unlearn even the most basic social abilities such as being able to hold a conversation. Yes, society back home was undergoing the same cycle as its predecessors throughout history - and we were nearing the end of it. Once morality breaks down; the society consumes its children before the need for a new way of life is necessitated. Lather, rinse, repeat...

This lack of emphasis on companionship, emotional bonding and love had stopped me putting myself out there and trying. I had long since consigned myself to a solitary existence; so you can imagine my surprise at Primis' gentlemanly behaviour. Perhaps men were made differently back then?

But, before I continue ramble on about the decay of human interaction I should stop there. Suffice to say, I was genuinely struggling to navigate this strange relationship I was building with Primis. And shamefully, I must admit my brain often tries to make me skeptical and defensive rather than appreciate the moment.

I was really beginning to find myself growing increasingly attached to Primis. It was so comforting laying here like this under the stars as I watched them become bleached from the sky by the approaching sunlight. I simply listened to his relaxed slumberous breaths as they made me wish that nothing would ruin it. But, knowing how life is; I continued to steel myself for the day that it would.

My eyelids weighed down upon my eyes as the war against sleep was slowly being lost. I could feel the endless pit in my stomach as the weight of my worries dragged me down into the depths of the turbulent metaphorical seas I was drowning in.

And in the midst of my weakness; I allowed myself to be vulnerable for the first time in my life. I no longer cared about maintaining the usual strong persona that I donned for the world. I placed my arm across Primis' chest as I watched myself hold him close for the first time.

It was such a strange feeling. My mind tried to convince me that I was just being needy but it was not enough to dissuade me from continuing. And, to my panic and horror, Primis began to stir. As if instinctively, I felt his free hand reach up and hold mine to his heart. I lay there stiff as a board and wide eyed as I wondered whether he was consciously aware or still within the throes of sleep.

"Try to get some sleep. Zhe future can vait", Primis whispered gently as he pressed his face into my hair.

I went tensed even further with shock at the realisation that he was indeed awake. I felt so stupid that I had nothing to even say for myself.

"I vondered vhen jou vould come around", Primis continued.

"Do I frightened jou?" He asked.

"N-no, it's just..." I stuttered as I fumbled my way through the sentence before stopping.

"Vhat?" Primis enquired with slight worry in his whispered voice.

"It's just that... you haven't even tried to come onto me..." I blurted out awkwardly before trailing off and mentally chastising myself.

"Oh, vould jou have preferred zhat I did?" Primis asked sarcastically as I heard him chuckle.

"Don't be daft. You know what I mean", I whispered back with a smile.

"Nein, Kiana. I zhink jou are going to have to explain it to me", Primis replied playfully - with sleep still in his voice.

"It's very refreshing. And it's not something I'm used to", I said - deliberately trying to remain brief.

"Jou know, ve men aren't all like Dempshey", Primis laughed.

"Yeah, well it isn't something men display often. Most seem to think with their second brain..." I jested.

There was a short silence as I lay there too embarrassed to look at him - just waiting to gauge his next response.

"Jou deserve so much better zhan zhat, Kiana," Primis finally whispered back.

The words hit me harder than I expected. There was a deep meaningful sincerity to them that truly shocked me - he really meant it. And that truly caught me off guard.

"I--," I tried to think of something to say.

"Zhere is no need to say anyzhing", Primis whispered as he placed his thumb under my chin to coax me into looking at him.

I reluctantly obliged as I struggled to look him in the eye. My long-standing opinion of men was that they were all selfish and only cared about about own needs. But here I was, sharing this moment with a man whose words were devoid of any kind of lewd lustful intentions.

Primis smiled as he looked into my eyes and leaned in to kiss me on the forehead.

"Jou almost overzhink as much as me... almost", Primis chuckled as I lay my head back down on his chest.

End of part nineteen...