No Going Back

42

The five elements (water, fire, wood, metal, earth) are not always equally predominant; the four seasons make way for each other in turn. There are short days and long; the moon has its periods of waning and waxing.
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The Art of War
Sun Tzu

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Hours turned into days.

Days turned into weeks.

And weeks turned into just short of two months.

It was late September - the 23rd, to be exact - and the foliage around the bed and breakfast had slowly started to transform into the fiery tones of autumn. The leaves on the surrounding trees had abandoned the last of their green hues, taking on shades of deep burgundies and vibrant golds instead. And what was once the thriving garden had been mostly cut back, leaving the grounds almost entirely bare. Almost, but not quite; the still-blossoming and ever-magnificent rose bushes helped paint everything in an eternal glow of reds and oranges.

Fall was truly Taehyung's favorite season.

But besides the bright, rich colors of the evolving scenery, there was a bigger reason why Taehyung loved this time of year. And it wasn't because of the crisp air or the drop in humidity. It didn't have anything to do with the return of thick cable-knit sweaters to his wardrobe. Hell, it wasn't even related to cozying up in front of a fire with a steaming cup of hot chocolate. No . . . It was because of what fall symbolized.

Change.

Letting go.

A new beginning.

Admittedly, this appreciation for autumn had only formed a couple of years back. It had been early-to-mid November when Taehyung, his mother, and Namjoon had moved into that safe house in Daegu, all of them completely exhausted following months of running from their then-unknown attackers. Nothing had felt steady or certain; everything had been torn apart in the blink of an eye. And each one of them had to get accustomed to a new way of living.

Taehyung had had the most difficulty adjusting, often choosing to isolate himself and lament on all he had lost. He had refused to settle - to accept that this was now his life - and had spent that entire first week in Daegu sulking. All he had thought about was what he left behind. All he had dreamed about was going back.

After seven full days of Taehyung's self-imposed solitude, Namjoon had barged into his room and thrown open the curtains. And, pointing to one of the almost-naked trees, he had said, You're just like those remaining leaves, clinging onto the branches and refusing to let go. You're hoping that if you hold on for long enough, you'll somehow sustain through what's to come. But the world is changing . . . It's already changed. And you need to decide whether you'll wither all alone up there or if you'll let go of something that's already gone.

Taehyung - thinking he was far more intelligent than the then-bodyguard - had countered, If I let go, I'll wither anyway. So, what's the point?

Namjoon hadn't been deterred. He had sat on the bed, turned his face towards the sun, and taught a lesson that Taehyung still remembered to this day. And all while wearing a calm yet hesitant expression, he had said, Yes, letting go comes with risks. There's always the chance that you'll lose something that can't be replaced. But in letting go, you gain something, too. You gain a different perspective, new opportunities, a fresh start. You learn so much about who you are as a person. And you begin to change . . . You begin to live a life you never even imagined.

Have you let go? Taehyung had asked him, unaware at the time of how deeply that question would probe.

No, not yet. But I . . . I'm trying. So you need to try as well, alright? I don't want you to end up like me.