I am an addict, had an overdose three times already. My best friend is paid to be with me. My guy best friend is my dealer, my other guy friend is my lover, my philosophy professor is my mother's bitch boy and my mother is one of the country's senat...
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Today is the one Sunday that I did not want to wake up and get out of bed. But I know I have to dahil alam kong mag-ssnitch si Andres sa nanay ko kapag hindi ko ginawa 'to. He threatens and he really does it.
The community service happens for the whole day. Kumain ako ng breakfast. Sinundo ako ni Bullet at sinabi niya kay kuya Bill na pampadagdag lang namin ng credentials or whatsoever 'tong pupuntahan namin ngayon.
Naniwala naman si kuya Bill but only because he does not know Bullet. Ang nanay ko lang ang nakakaalam ng totoong role ni Bullet sa buhay ko and I only knew that from asking Bullet too much and her snapping at me for being annoying.
Sasamahan ako ni Bullet ng buong araw. I told her to. Dahil kailangan ko siya para pigilan akong magalit or kahit ano kay Andres. Nag-drive kami papunta sa kung saan ako magcocommunity service.
It's in some basketball court with a bunch of people. Feeding program para sa mga malnourished na bata. Apprently, ganito pala ang ginagawa ni Andres kapag Linggo. He is a part of some organization that does charity work, according to the people here.
Nakatayo lang sa isang sulok si Bullet, nag-oobserve ng mga tao which I think is her hobby. Tumulong ako sa pagbibigay ng pagkain sa mga bata. There are about 200 kids here with their parents. Malayo ang kinatatayuan ko kay Andres at kapag lumalapit siya, nalipat ako ng pwesto na mas malayo sa kanya. Kinakausap ko rin ang ibang bata just so I would not have to talk to him.
Simple lang ang buhay ng mga batang 'to. As a child, I always dreamed of having a simple life. Like, yung hindi nag-politics ang nanay ko, sila pa rin ni dad, may pera kami pero that does not matter because we will be helping other people. Siguro hindi ako ganito ngayon. I like a simple life. Yung kahit may problema okay lang kasi buo yung pamilya.
Some parents never really know what their separation could do to their children. Hindi nila alam that it would fuck us up as teenagers or until we're adults.
2PM na ako nakakain ng lunch dahil sa dami ng ginagawa. I sat on one of the tables here. Habang kumakain ako, umupo sa harap ko si Andres. He's wearing a collared shirt na kulay salmon then naka-tuck in yun sa pantalon niya and he's wearing loafers.
Tumayo ako at lumabas ako from the basketball court. Nakita ko namang nasa katabing eskinita ng court si Bullet. She was smoking a cigarette so nanghingi ako sa kanya. Then for three minutes, we were smoking silently. Kaso dumating si Andres.
"Can I talk to her alone?" Tanong ni Andres kay Bullet. Tiningnan naman ako ni Bullet, as if asking me if I would want her to go. Well, I have been avoiding him and it's getting tiring. Baka naman kapag kinausap ko siya titigilan niya na ako. Kaya tumango ako kay Bullet. Umalis siya at natira kami ni Andres dito sa eskinita.
"What do you want?" Inis na tanong ko at binugahan ko siya ng smoke. Kinuha niya yung sigarilyo mula sa kamay ko tapos tinapon niya yun at tinapakan.
"It's been years since nung nanghingi ng malaking favor sa'kin ang mom mo and when she called me two months ago, telling me that she needs me to micromanage you because you overdosed again, hindi ako tumanggi." Panimula ni Andres. Tiningnan ko lang siya. Anong pakialam ko sa mga sinasabi niya? Would it do me any good?
"Syempre hindi ka tumanggi because you owe your life to her," I said sarcastically. Umiling naman siya. "Hindi ako tumanggi dahil ito na yung chance ko to correct the greatest mistake I have done in my life." Sabi niya pa, I gave him a questioning look. How is his greatest mistake connected with micromanaging me? Am I the mistake? If yes, why?
"I came here to say that I am sorry for what I did to you," sabi niya sa'kin. I tried to get out of here pero nakaharang si Andres sa daan ko.
"Well, what did you do?" Tanong ko pero hindi nakasagot si Andres. "Oh wait, you did nothing! Wala kang ginawa kundi magsalita lang. Your words were meaningless, something you do not act on. And oh, why is that? Ha! Because your cojones are missing, you probably misplaced it or whatever but it's not there!" I screamed at him. He kissed me and I pushed him away. I walked past him but he held my left wrist.
"My life got fucked up, I fucked my life up but you did nothing at all." Sabi ko kay Andres. Hinila niya ako papalapit sa kanya. "You pushed me away," sabi niya naman. Umiling ako. "You are supposed to pull me back but you did not stay, period." Sabi ko naman.
He was supposed to stay, right? I was a kid who believe in his promises. If pushing him away made him leave me back then, how do I know that he won't do that again now?
I have the stupid tendency of pushing people away. Kapag nagkakaroon ako ng depressive phase, I just go to bars and hang out with a lot of strangers. I do not even talk to my friends when I am on a depressive state. Yung huli kong depressive state, it made me go on a fender bender, I overdosed and became comatose for three weeks.
"Okay, but now just give me a chance to fix that." Sabi niya pa pero tinulak ko siya at pumasok ako sa basketball court to find Bullet. Nung nakita ko si Bullet, hinila ko siya at sinabi ko na I want to get out of here.
Ang biyahe mula sa basketball court na yun hanggang sa NA meeting ko is about an hour or so. Hindi ako tinanong ni Bullet kung anong nangyari because she knows that I do not want to talk about it.
Pagdating ko sa NA meeting, Pastor Sol asked me again if I have anything to share with the group. I shared with them about Andres, except in this narrative, he is ecstasy. I told them about how much I am trying to get away from him because I know it won't be good.
After NA meeting, umuwi na ako at natulog na lang.
The next day, I attended classes. Pinatawag ako ng dean at sinabing okay na raw at wala ng issue sa'kin si Andres for the time being. Pagkalabas ko ng dean's office, I walked back to the classroom with Migo. On the whole walk, Migo held my hand and wrapped his arms around me. Nung nasa harap na ako ng room, he hugged me then gave me a forehead kiss then a peck on the lips.
After Andres' class, he grabbed me nung naglalakad ako sa labas at hinahanap ko si Bullet. Pumasok kami sa supply closet at binuksan niya ang ilaw.
"Ano na namang problema mo?" Tanong ko. I was on my way to finding Bullet a while ago because she has my drugs. Siya ang bumili kasi nga bantay na bantay ako ni Andres. Ang duty lang ni Bullet sa'kin is to protect me so as long as I don't die or get killed, she won't do anything that I don't want her to do.
"Kaya ba ayaw mo akong bigyan ng chance? Because of your American man candy?" Tanong ni Andres sa'kin at napakunot naman ang noo ko. The only American man candy I know is Migo. Is he talking about Migo?
"Pwede namang sabihin mo na lang, hindi yung para akong tanga na naghihintay, umaasa at nagmamakaawa," sabi pa niya. My breathing became heavy dahil nagpipigil akong umiyak. Kailangan ba na alam niya ang lahat tungkol sa'kin? He is making me feel like I am his property and I refuse for that to happen.
"Okay, yeah. I'm with someone, I'm with Migo. Now, can you stay away from me?" Sabi ko. Gusto ko na talagang tigilan niya ako kasi kapag nakikita ko siya, naiisip kong ma-overdose ulit. Or to just die.
Sumisikip ng sobrang yung dibdib ko kapag nakikita ko siya to the point that it's just painful and nothing else. Ayoko ng ganitong pakiramdam. I want ecstasy, happiness, euphoria or anything like that.
"Lalayo ako sa'yo, I'll go as far away as possible from you. Hindi mo ako makakasalubong sa mga hallway, hindi ako pupunta sa bahay niyo kapag nandun ka, hell I won't even look at you in class, if that is what you want." Sabi pa ni Andres at iniwan na niya ako dito sa loob ng supply closet.
Napaupo ako at hinawakan ang dibdib ko. Nag-inhale at exhale ako para ikalma ang sarili ko.
