Life with JXDN

Chapter 13

A few months went by so quickly.  I found myself sitting in yet another lounge room. This one belonged to a guy that had been introduced me at a house party the night before. I was finally feeling myself become numb to the existence I was living. Sleeping on couches. Living with strangers.

It's like I didn't even try after Marco cut me off. I can't explain it properly, but something changed in me that day. Like I finally could see what kind of person I really was. There is something about coming to the realisation of your own self patheticness that kind of voids a need to go on.

Days and nights' just drifted by now. I was drinking. Smoking weed. Snorting worse. Having nightly sex with random men I didn't even like, or feel attracted to.  On the days that I started to feel something. Disgust, regret maybe a incling of wanting to change. I would drink more or get some powder of a man by  flirting with him, and then abuse the substance until I was numb again.

I hadn't talked to anyone from my life for well over a month. Initially I had made contact with Brynn and my parents and glossed over the truth. Telling them Marcus and I separated, so I had packed up and moved  with some friends to Sicily. The truth was after 48 hours of hitchhiking Sicily is just where I stopped trying to make it any further. After sending a few messages back and forth. I eventually stop signing into my social media avoiding everyone completely. My old life was dead and burried.

Sometimes first thing in the morning I would catch a glimpse of myself in a mirror and gasp in shock at the person looking back at me. You know how when you first wake up it takes a while for that feeling of reality to come back. Those were my favourite moments of everyday.

This new lounge room was small. Tiny. The guy had a bed that folded out from the wall. Dirty washing and random junk lying around. What appeared to be days worth of dirty dishes in the sink. He also had a cat. A male cat. And it obviously peed everywhere because it stunk like it.  Sometimes it was so bad it burned my nostrils when I inhaled, every few minutes a whiff of bong smoke wood momentarily spare me from how bad the cat pee was.  I was already eyeing off one of this guys visiting  friends in hope that he had better accommodation. Men these days were faceless to me, all I saw was ways to survive when I looked at them. 

New random man I was flirting with was taking the bait, he was starting to get very touchy and talking inappropriately. I just looked at him emotionless. He suggested we went for some drinks at a small of dive bar around the corner, and I agreed.

I went directly downstairs and waited for him to finish his visit to his cat pee lounge room friend. I sat on a stone bench, at the bottom of the stairs to the apartment building. Not really watching anything, not really thinking anything. I was glad to not be smelling that room though.

I slumped over in exhaustedness, studying the concrete below my feet. I heard footsteps approaching and the fabric of someone sitting down next to me. I made sure to keep looking at the ground. I couldn't stand to fake another conversation.

'This is beyond stupid Dylan. You have created a new level of stupid'
I bolted upright on the bench and faced the stranger. He was on his phone. For a second I could have sworn that was Jaden.  What a coincidence he was talking to someone with the same name as me too. What a trip.

I decided to get up and start slowly walking. I needed space from the stranger it was bringing back feelings and thoughts I couldn't entertain any more. I couldn't even spare one minute to think that I would see jaden again. Because the pain of realising that I wouldn't would be way too much. So I just blocked him out completely.