The Day Sunshine Fell

The Sun will rise again

Suicide.

In the dead of the previous night, she finally got a hold of her sedative medication. They found the bottle empty, her lying gracefully draped under her sheets. No note, nothing that could be shown to her family as her last words or message to the world. But we knew why she did it. It was obvious. She was grieving and uncontrollable.
We stood around her bed. Olga looked at her white face, seeming to be lost in thought. I can imagine what she was thinking. "What if this is what becomes of me when Igor dies?" I think she wonders. Tatiana clutched Dmytri, who held her tightly. She looked so feeble, so desperate to hold onto her husband. She too must've wondered if that would become of her when she loses Dmytri. Maria's tears were nowhere to be found. She looked angry, possibly upset that her marriage was so unhappy that she would likely be relieved when Louis leaves her.
Mama's emotions left her body a long time ago. She stared with no expression at her cold daughter in law, whom she thought would be Tsarina after her. That was long gone now. Papa's eyes were filled with tears.
She was sweet and soft. She had an even temper and cared for us all. We saw an unbelievable side of her when Alexei died. This was the last thing anyone expected of her.
Our family didn't weep. They were shocked. Grandmere had to sit down upon receiving the news, overwhelmed. Suicide was not something they are prepared for. None of us are!
The palace was silent. Ileana's wails and shrieks were dead. We sat, staring at each other. My parents had only the four of us left, and Dmytri. He and Ileana were the only spouses they were fond of.
Two deaths. One week.
What do we tell the public? That was the largest question about her funeral planning. Do we tell the public that their would- be future Tsarina took her own life? That could reflect poorly on our family. What to say?
"We must be honest. The truth will come out somehow, and we may as well admit it now. It wasn't in our control anyhow, it's nothing that would have taken place in the future, had Alexei lived." Papa said firmly. He had no opponents. Mama sat still in her chair. Her opinions were gone. It was like her cares were dead. Many were, after all.
Within two days, the funeral took place. Eight days ago, Alexei died. Nine days ago, in the night I rushed to the palace. Two days ago, my sister in law followed my brother to the tomb.
The funeral was held in Russia, for we knew she would want to be buried with Alexei. That was, after all, why she died. The Romanian Royal Family came for their daughter's funeral, among them, Carol. Olga and Carol didn't speak. They hardly acknowledged each other. It was useless, for arguing at a funeral would be treacherous.
We watched as Ileana's casket was lowered into the grave at Peter and Paul's Fortress, next to Alexei, whom we laid to rest just two days before. This was a new stage of grief we were approaching: sheer shock, nothing more. We wore the same black gowns and veils. Nothing but darkness was in the Fortress. Nothing but darkness was the past week of our lives.
The night after the funeral, I passed my parents bedroom. I heard sobbing, and the door was open. I saw my mother draped across her chaise lounge, sobbing and my father standing next to her.
"Alicky," he said softly.
"Everything is gone! Everyone is leaving me! No one loves me anymore! They won't wait for me!" She wailed.
"You know that's not true. Ileana didn't do this because she doesn't love you. She loved Alexei so much she didn't know how to handle herself without him."
"Her and me both."
"Alix, you still have our daughters, and me."
She started sobbing again. She rose from her sofa and dragged herself to Papa. She collapsed on the floor, weeping so much she looked as though she could hardly breathe.
"I have nothing else to live for! Baby is gone, and Ileana is with him! Everyone is leaving me! Who's going to go next! I have no one to love anymore!" She shrieked between choking sobs.
I've seen my mother cry commonly throughout my life. It's nothing out of the ordinary, for she has much she's grieved for. But the death of her only son, well, this was a side of grief I've never seen from her before. This was unbearable.
I understand she's hysterical from the overwhelming amount of pain from the last week, but I can't help but feel like she doesn't care for my sisters or I anymore. She held a special place in her heart for Alexei, as her only son, but she still loves her daughters, but this would never be the way she will grieve for her girls, if she outlived any of us.
Sleep was my only relief of the pain. I know my mother still loves us, but this state she's in is still hard for any of us to bear.
The next day came. Nine days since Alexei left us. A new problem arose: Alexei had a son, Sergei, a six month old boy. He would have been tsar after Alexei. However, he will be too young to rule when Papa dies. Who will be Papa's heir?
In the morning, we gathered in Papa's study. His ministers were there, including Grandmere. My sisters and their husbands sat around a table, me at the end. I was incredibly anxious. What was to become of the monarchy now?
"Thank you for gathering here. The last week has been difficult, and now we have a large problem on our hands." Papa began. "Sergei is only six months old. It is likely I will not live long enough for Sergei to reach an age where he could take on the duties as Tsar. We need an heir to take my place after my death and who could teach Sergei the duties of the role." He looked around the table at each of his daughters.
"It is customary for the tsar's child to be his heir. It must be one of you, my girlies." his eyes were sad.
"But Papa," Maria spoke up. "We are women. I thought we are not allowed to be your heir!"
"I will arrange for a change in the law. It is not fair for the crown to be passed to my brother when I have four perfectly capable daughters who could become Tsarina." Papa replied. Who would it be? Olga was to be Queen of Romania, but Tatiana was certainly capable.
"Well, Olga is not returning to Russia. She is going to be Queen in Romania." Carol snarled and put his hand on her arm. It wasn't like he was embracing her, but more showing his control over her like a jailer. She glared at him but remained silent.
Papa's eyes turned to Tatiana. "Tatya?" he asked with hope. For once, my noble, responsible sister looked speechless. "I-" she stammered. She looked to Dmytri, who put his hand on hers, and nodded. He wore a loving smile, and his eyes were warm. He wants this for her. "You know you can do it." he beamed. She smiled and looked down with an inhale she nearly choked on. She was anxious.
Suddenly, I remembered Alexei's goodbye to Tatiana. "I would make sure that a daughter of a tsar could become the next ruler of Russia. So that if a tsar half as lucky as Papa has a daughter even half as amazing as you, he would pass knowing his country would go into the responsible hands of her." I felt his presence in the room, stronger than any other time in the past week. He was nudging Papa to appoint Tatiana.
"Yes, Papa, I will be your heir. There is nothing else I would rather do." she declared confidently, regaining her poise. Papa grinned. "Well, that is settled. We can discuss the details shortly. Next, we have another issue on our hands: Sergei." Papa replied.
"What about him? He will be my heir still, right?" Tatiana asked.
"Certainly, but he is orphaned now. Someone will need to raise him." Papa sighed. "Who would be willing to take him in?"
"Lest I am ten years younger, we'd take him in. I'm afraid I cannot raise another child. I can only see Alexei in the infant. I couldn't bear it." Mama cut in. She seemed so resigned, and spoke so honestly.
"I couldn't take him away from Russia, of course." Olga added. She too seemed resigned.
"I have four young children. I'm afraid taking up my duties as heir would be far too chaotic with another baby." Tatiana chimed in.
"I too have many young children, and we travel too often." Maria said sadly. She adores children and if she had a an entire orphanage living under her roof in her care, she still would've taken in Sergei with open arms. The real reason is that Louis doesn't want another child, and his word is always dominant.
Suddenly, everyone, even the ministers and Grandmere, who was silent through the decisions, turned to me, sitting reserved at the end of the table. I am no use to these decisions. I am the youngest girl, even worse, unmarried. What do I have to do with the fate of our monarchy?
"Nastasia?" Papa asked carefully. "Will you take Sergei in?" everyone's eyes were wide.
"Me? Take in a baby? I am unmarried! It would be looked upon as scandalous!" I exclaimed, but instantly regretted it. I spoke without thinking- of course the public will know he is Alexei and Ileana's child!
"We will make sure the public is informed that you adopted the child temporarily." Papa responded gently. I nodded. There's no use in trying to save my face by explaining I already knew that. "Yes, I will adopt Sergei." I decided.
What am I thinking? I cannot raise a child! Now I am adopting the future Tsar of Russia?
"But what happens when he must be trained for the throne?" I asked. My voice needed to stop shaking, but it wouldn't.
"After Tatiana takes the throne, she can take in Sergei and teach him the ways of ruling. He should be at a reasonable age when that happens, ideally." Papa replied. Tatiana nodded.
There was a wave of agreeing murmurs about the room. The decision was made. I was raising a child. My dead brother's child. How could this be? This must be what Alexei wants, seeing that he ensured Tatiana would become Tsarina, like he believed she should be. So, he must want me to take in his son. How could I refuse?
We dispersed, and I went to my bedroom to process the last conversation. I was going to raise a child! I still couldn't believe it. Shura entered, and I said, "Shura, how would you feel about a child running about the palace?" she looked terribly confused. I think she thought I was pregnant!
"That would be lovely!" she exclaimed, still looking shocked.
"I am adopting Sergei!" I beamed. She looked relieved, and grinned. "Really?" she asked. I nodded and we embraced.
"You will be an amazing adoption mother, Nastya."
"Thank you. But, I will need quite a bit of help."
"I will be with you every step of the way, my dear."
Tears filled my eyes as I whispered, "Thank you."

That evening I took the candle I used on the night of Alexei's death to visit Sergei. He laid in his crib, in the room where Ileana took her life. I took the child in my arms, cradling his head. He was a healthy child, with big eyes that wondered about the world, that wanted to explore everything he laid his vibrant eyes upon. The palace was dead silent, but unlike the silence of grief. It was the silence of relief, that things would get better from this day forward.
"My child, you will not forget your parents. I will help you remember until the day I am gone." I whispered. His big eyes stared at me.
"Twinkle twinkle little star, how I wonder what you are." I sang softly to his petit ears. His little arms reached up and grabbed at my locket, which was a miniature pocket watch. He toyed with it as I hummed the nursery rhyme.
"Sleep well, Sergei, for you will have a new home soon." I kissed him goodnight and laid him to sleep. I took my candle and departed. From the doorway, in the glow of my light, I looked upon his face, and a feeling of happiness like no other came upon me.
I am going to raise a child.