The Day Sunshine Fell

One Last Time

Dawn came. We didn't expect he'd make it through the night. He finally fell asleep at about six in the morning. Tatiana, Mama, and Ileana stayed in the room as he slept, but Papa went to his study. He spoke on the telephone with Grandmere Marie, the Dowager Empress. Next he called Aunt Olga, Uncle Misha and Aunt Xenia, telling them all that Alexei was dying.

At sunrise I took a stroll through the park. There was an ever so slight chill hanging in the air as I strolled the stone paths, where we grew up. We would shovel snow, build a snow mountain, ride our bicycles, and run around. It all seems so distant.

I passed the small bridge leading to Children's Island. I remember Olga and Tatiana being allowed to ride the small rowboat across to our little house. The rest of us walked on the small drawbridge. I would've crossed to the house, but I don't know the stability of the bridge anymore. I wonder the last time anyone went over there.

I walked to a fountain, surrounded by rose bushes. I sat down on the edge of the water, when suddenly Olga appeared. She had dark circles under her red eyes. She held two cups of coffee and handed me one.

She sat down next to me on the fountainside. Her hair was disorderly and in her eyes, so I reached over and brushed it out of her vision. She sighed, "If only this would all go away,"

"I know." I replied softly.

"Even worse, Mama won't speak or even pray. I think she's entirely lost faith in God because damn Rasputin won't answer her." Olga was never fond of Rasputin, seeing how he manipulated Mother.

"I think she's resigned to shock. But what happens if she doesn't properly grieve? It could be worse if she doesn't let herself cry or speak to us."

"I don't know. She can be so unpredictable with grief." We sat in silence for a moment, taking in the scenery of our lovely park and the chirping of the birds.

"How have you been, Nastya?" she asked after a moment. We haven't had a chance to speak during her visit.

"I've been quite fine, other than the high minded women who find it appalling I haven't married. They seem to think I go through men too quickly to wait for a proposal. They think of me as a whore, ironic considering I've never been in a romantic relationship before." I scowled.

"Perhaps you shall visit me soon. To get away from court for a little while. I'd be glad to have you."

"I would love to. And, I can maybe set Carol straight." I grinned impishly.

Olga finally smiled,"Thank you, but I think I'll be alright."

We sipped on our coffee for a while, our heads on each other's shoulders. I haven't seen Olga in quite some time, for Carol doesn't like her to travel in case he needs to show her off at a public event. I've always been close with Olga, and I was devastated when she moved to Romania with that swine.

Suddenly, Dmytri appeared from around a bush.
"Olga, Nastya, I was sent to fetch you. Your Grandmother arrived." he said, seemingly out of breath. He must've been looking all over the park for us.

I'm anxious to see Grandmere, for she has been terribly frail recently. I fear what the death of her heir, grandson, and godson will do to her. She was so happy by his birth, but the hemophilia attacks have put a strain on her, like everyone.

We stood, and Olga squeezed my hand. We went inside and freshened up. I assisted in redoing Olga's hair, and we stared at the bags under our eyes. We looked like we spent the night walking across Russia.

Grandmere was sitting at the foot of his bed when we entered. Maria sat next to her, looking like all tears within her were gone. Tatiana sat next to Mama, whose expression seemed to grow colder with the arrival of my grandmother. Alexei was still asleep, and Ileana's wide eyes were still fixated upon his pale face. Papa stood behind Grandmere's chair.

The room was still silent, and I was about to lose my mind from the tension. Nothing happened. Alexei didn't wake up, and Dr. Botkin took his pulse every few minutes. He was still alive, but we couldn't believe he was sleeping through the pain.

I silently wondered if the pain was winding down, as he was sleeping so peacefully. Dr. Botkin said he must give him more pain medication, but Mama didn't let him.

"Your Highness, I must wake him for his medication," he pleaded.

"Leave him." she said shortly. Grandmere stared at her then turned in her chair to look at Papa, who stared at Mama with an expression of hopelessness. He looked like he would disagree with her, but we didn't want to cross her in her state.

"I do not mean to disobey you, but please we must give him his medication or he will be in worse pain when he wakes later!" Dr. Botkin looked exhausted. I wonder the last time he's slept, or even eaten.

"I said leave him!" Mama suddenly shrieked. The shock that went through me at this moment must've gone through everyone else in the room. Alexei began to stir and a look of horror went through Mama's eyes. "Now see what you've done!" she shouted at Botkin, who attempted to restrain his gape. Papa gave him a look that said, "I am sorry," for we all pity him. He is doing all he can, but truly there is nothing that anyone can do.

Alexei began to groan as he woke. Botkin arranged his medication as Mama suddenly burst into tears. We looked at her in shock. She hasn't cried once. It was now about eight in the morning, and in the seven hours I've been here, a tear hasn't left her icy eyes. Now her cries rang in our ears like an earache. Tatiana stroked Mama's hair, trying her best to soothe her, but her grief was as hopeless as the hemophilia. Soon Alexei was in such horrid pain again that he was nearly screaming.

The room was unbearable. My brother dying a slow, painful death, my mother crying shrieking sobs, and the rest of my family looking on with glazed eyes. I couldn't take it anymore. I left the room, and was followed by Papa. He turned to me in the corridor.

He opened his mouth to say something, but I burst into tears and rushed into his arms. He held me for a moment as I sobbed. We said nothing. There was nothing to say. Everything is falling apart, and we cannot do anything to stop it. Our family was either sobbing or screaming at each other. I don't want to stay in the room to witness it, but I cannot risk leaving and possibly not being there when he dies.

Hours passed, the day was a blur. I do not know what I did, or even what I thought about.

At eleven in the morning Aunts Olga and Xenia arrived. Later Uncle Misha came, too. They crowded in the room, but soon they and Grandmere left for a different room to give us space. None of them spoke much. There is nothing anyone could say.

I fell asleep for a little while in the armchair I've been in for hours. I wrote in my diary, and suddenly it was dark outside, and I hadn't even noticed. I left for my old bedroom to get my shawl, where I found Shura.

"How is he?" she asked

"He's still hanging on." I replied glumly. "I wonder if he would like to see you and Pierre one last time. Would you find him and I'll ask Alyosha?"

Tears filled her eyes as she gave a small nod.

I returned to the room. I asked Alexei if he'd like to see the Gilliards, to which he agreed. I brought them, and he spoke to them for the last time.

"Thank you for everything. You always tolerated my laziness in your class, Monsieur." Alexei chuckled. Gilliard did not say much back to him when he finished his goodbyes. I've known him for a very long time and I have never before seen him so anxious around Alexei. Not even at Spala did he seem so overwhelmed, and we all thought that was the end.

As soon as the doors closed and they left, I heard Shura weeping. Nagorny and Derevenko, his former sailor- attendants visited him as well. They both saluted him after Alexei said his goodbyes. Each good bye of Alexei's was heart wrenching.

Around ten in the night, Alexei's groans grew louder. Each hour that passed and he lived through was a miracle. Ileana had been silent the entire day, her eyes never leaving his face. His time was coming quick. We were blessed to have even the past day with him, but we still were not ready.