21 Jump Street (Tom Hanson)

Tom's Regret

All I can do now is call her. But every time I hear her sweet voice on the telephone, I know that I cannot stand being away from her another day. I need to be home with the girl that I adore. Every time we hang up, I just want to call her back and tell her that I am coming home to stay forever. It makes me wonder how often I cross her mind, because for me it happens all the time. As the days drag on, I get more and more lonely without her. I feel so alone. And it hurts my heart.

I should call her tonight. It's late here, but it's still early back in Metro. I'll call her before I go to bed.

I have one of her scrunchies in my bathroom. I didn't realize I accidentally packed it until I had to search for my toothbrush my first night. It's a deep blue scrunchie, the one she wore on our first assignment together. A breath of her perfume lingers on it, mixed with her shampoo. It pathetic to admit that it cheers me up when I miss her. She's a million miles away, but I can still feel her with me. Anything that's part of her, I will take.

Is this the price I have to pay for leaving? Forever feeling lost, trying to find her again? She is the only one that I want. All of my heart will always be hers.

I tried not to let my mind drift to the past. Thinking of the present... this was everything I have ever wanted and worked for my entire life. My family is proud of me, and I am making lots of money. The job had become a career. But I would trade it all if I could go back home to Mickey. The sun in my heart shines for her.

My memory was straying to the bright sunny days I was with Mickey. She even made the rainy ones good too. The way she looked, and the sound of her laughter... I still longed for the touch of her hand holding mine. I let my head roll and I opened my eyes to gaze at my doorstep and I pictured her there. There was nothing more I wanted than to actually see her there. My new apartment seemed so empty and bare without her. But, I'd still dance with the ghost of her around our home.

I could not tell if it was the alcohol, or thinking about Mickey made me feel a glow. Her warm smile and her soft cheeks were etched in my memory. I smiled as I imagined her. Her laugh that wrinkles her nose touched my foolish heart. I could almost hear it, I started laughing along with her. Her breathless charm was so intoxicating, if I could just see her face one more time then I could die a happy man. She could intoxicate my soul with her eyes. I wish she could feel what my heart was begging for her to know... that I missed her and I wished she was here. I am forever hers, faithfully. My heart was drenched in the alcohol, but she will be on my mind forever. I felt as empty as a drum.

I don't want to think I about how she is going to be happy without me. I can't even sleep when I think about her falling in love with someone else. How she will someday be under someone else's bedsheets. The way that she will whisper to him, or pull him in the way she used to with me. I can't get her off my mind, and it gives me no peace.

I don't think I will ever stop thinking of her. I never should have left. We are so crazy in love, I'm now just constantly reminded of how she's gone and I have never been this lonely.

I polished off my plate of pizza rolls and the six-pack of beer had disappeared before my eyes, the empty bottles surrounded me. I took another gulp from the whiskey bottle. I felt light, but I didn't feel dizzy. Maybe I wasn't as drunk as I thought I was going to be. I groaned as I sat up and immediately I felt my head swimming within itself. I had to close my eyes and cover my mouth with my hand so I wouldn't puke. The alcohol definitely served its purpose. I gave myself a minute to put all the empty beer bottles back in the case. I tried to close the plug to the whiskey, but I kept missing. I gave up pretty fast. I struggled to stand up and figured it was time to head to bed.

"Oh, shit," escaped my lazy mouth. I was so heavily exhausted and groggy. My heavy eyes felt delayed and I was seeing double, which for me is a strong sign that I'm gone. "I'm... fuck."

I left the case and the whisky on the floor so I could take care of them in the morning. I noticed my couch, maybe I should crash there tonight. My eyes drifted to the telephone. I really fucking miss her.

I slumped down on the couch and reached over to grab the phone. I put the base on my lap and put the receiver up to my ear. I dialed her number, and let it ring. My head felt swirly, like I was rocking up and down on a wave. My stomach felt it too.

Soon, her polite voice replaced the ringing. "Hello."

"Hey," I said.

"Tom?"

"Yeah."

"Hey, how's it going?" She asked in a soft voice. "What are you doing up so late?"

"I just... I just wanted to tell you... I was just... thinking about you." I'd crawl back to her if I could.

"Swayze really misses you. He keeps waiting at the door, thinking you're coming home."

"Oh." My voice broke. That killed me.

"I really miss you too."

"How was your day?" I asked her. I rubbed my hand over my face lazily. I swallowed the lump in my tight throat.

"It was good."

"Yeah?" I asked.

"Yeah. How was yours?"

I cleared my throat then answered, "it was fine."

"Are you okay?" She asked softly.

"Just... thinking."

I should never have let her go. Why did I let her go? I just want to hold her in my arms tonight. She made all my dreams come true. She belongs to me, I just hope that someday she will be back in my life once again. I should never have taken this stupid job. Signing that contract is my biggest regret.

"You made the right decision."

It was like she could read my thoughts. I let out a little laugh. "I don't really know anymore."

"It's getting pretty late over here. Go to bed, and we can talk more tomorrow. Okay?"

"Okay," I sighed.

"Okay. I love you."

"I love you too."

"Goodnight."

"Goodnight."

I hung up and let the phone base slip off my legs and settle on the couch cushion. I let out an audible sigh, and I stood up.

I rubbed my eye to try to fix my blurry vision as I staggered toward my bedroom, but all it did was make me feel like I was falling down a rabbit hole. I closed my eyes because everything was moving. My legs and feet felt insufficient in keeping me both upright and steady. I veered to the right, the room was tilting and I could feel that I was off balanced. I bumped into the wall and mumbled, "sorry."

I was imagining that Mickey had come to Virginia to live with me. If I can't be close to her, I'll settle for the ghost of her. She was asleep in our room and I had to be quiet so I didn't wake her or Swayze. I almost believed the lies I was telling myself, so the crushing feeling in my heart when I didn't physically see her in my bed was painful. The silence was killing me slowly. I was in love with the past, with no hope for our future. Will this yearning for her ever end? I just wanted to hold her again. I still crave her.

I still don't sleep on her side of the bed. I could almost feel her warm, sleeping thigh against my own. My head was still reeling as I crashed on my mattress that lied on the floor in the bedroom. When I drink, I sleep like I'm dead. I hoped that Mickey knew that she was the love of my life. Dreams are all I have left now to see her beautiful face again. The walls of my room are closing in on me, but it is good to see her smiling face and to hear her voice again.

Maybe years from now, I'll run into her once more. I'll turn and I'll see her, and it'll be as if we always knew that we would be together again. I wished her nothing but happiness and love until we could meet again.

He's really going through it 😭 this chapter was originally inspired by that Spongebob song, "This Grill is Not a Home" 😂😂 I wish I was joking
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Next chapter is about Doug and Mickey and their growing friendship!