21 Jump Street (Tom Hanson)

Tom's Regret

They say that life moves pretty fast. It will pass me by if I don't open up my eyes and look around once in a while, but I'm fine with that. I wish I could stay forever this young, but gain the wisdom that the years will give me. I want to wake up when this personal hell is over. They say that life is a game made for everyone, and love is the prize. I want to sleep until I get my prize back.

As the years come and go, I just hope that Mickey smiles whenever I cross her mind. She was one of the greatest pleasures of my life, and I should have cherished her more. She was my whole world.

The rain outside was pattering softly against my window, and I focused on its rhythm. I swear it was telling me how big of a fool I was. I wish it would go and let me be alone. I will never be able to love another when my heart is somewhere far away. The memories won't go away, and I feel an indescribable pain whenever I hear her name. Where the hell did I go wrong?

I was too proud to cry, so I cracked open another beer. I did not want to be reminded that I chose my career over Mickey. When night came, so did the memories. I missed her face like hell, and being lost in her arms was heavenly. Those sweet afternoons with her still capture me, following me with everything I do. We really had it all, and I let it slip away. I don't want to know what the price is for dreaming, because it's more than what I can take.

Mickey could command any room she walked into. Her laugh bounced off the walls. She was so incredibly funny, boisterous, loud, charismatic, and gregarious. Ever since I left... it's been very quiet.

The waves of guilt and pain washed over me, which brought the bottle up to my lips. I should have bought whiskey, or something to really shut my brain off. That's when I remembered that I had a bottle in the kitchen that I bought the first day I was here, but I haven't opened it yet. I moved my legs so I wouldn't kick the case of beer and headed into the kitchen. I opened a few cabinets and finally found the brown bottle. I opened the top, smelled it, took a drink, and headed back to my spot on the floor.

I was going the numb the pain the only way I knew how, and my liver was going to pay the price. I did not want to be without her, but my judgement was clouded, just like the sky tonight in Springfield. I don't know half of what I'm thinking. If I could turn back time and repeat a day, it would be the day I said yes to the DEA. I was blinded by my own greed, and now I don't recognize my own face.

As I sat on the floor, I could feel myself get tired. My eyes couldn't stay open, despite struggling to keep them open. I just felt really sleepy. I found myself tipping slightly, at no fault of my own. I tried to compensate so I was sitting upright again but I overcompensated so I started leaning too far the other way. I also kept feeling like I was falling backwards, especially when I tipped my head back to take a drink. I threw myself forward and I heard the bottom of the whiskey bottle clammer to the floor with my hand still wrapped around its thick neck. My vision was shaking and it felt less exact to where I felt my surroundings ought to be. My head felt like the heaviest part of me... maybe I should stop drinking before I regret that too.

I sighed as I laid down and rested my heavy head on the hard floor, letting my limbs sprawl out. I closed my eyes and kept bringing a beer bottle up to my lips to polish it off, sometimes letting it fall into my mouth like a waterfall. I could be with Swayze and Mickey in our bed at our apartment right now. Mickey would be reading a book while I try to wrangle a toy out of Swayze's slobbery mouth. She would tell me about her day and I'll listen then tell her about mine. We would play rock-paper-scissors, and the loser would have to get up early to take Swayze out in the morning to use the bathroom, and she would always win. She always picks "scissors" first.

Going to the park to throw tennis balls for Swayze to chase after and kicking a soccer ball between me and Mickey was one of my favorite activities. The feeling of my toes going numb was worth spending time with her. Folding the laundry together, cooking together, and watching movies together... My heart was breathing for all those moments, and I let it all slip away.