Like a Twat // Matty Healy

Chapter 5

Sunlight on my skin. I am squinting my eyes and try to figure out where I am. Slowly but exceeding, my memories from the night before are becoming clearer. As soon as I remember being pretty drunk last night, I suddenly get a bad headache as if the reactivation of my memories would have affected my body as well. But I am not bothered at all. My mind does only contain joy and happiness right now. Katherine is making me the happiest person in the world. To me, it was completely new and exciting to have sex with someone I am actually in love with. She is special. And she was beautiful yesterday.

What the fuck am I even talking about? How can I assert she was beautiful when I did not see her? Well, in my imagination she was. I am starting to feel sick and insecure. Did we have sex? What did we do? I am slowly starting to realise that what happened is not normal.

There definitely was a feeling of sexual desire, but there was no one in my bed who I could desire sexually. Crazy, isn't it?

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Lying next to Katherine in my bed later that day, I decided to play "Falling For You" to her. Regardless of my concerns about if she would like it or not, I somehow felt the urgent need to play it. I grabbed my guitar once more, I sat down on the mattress she was still lying on although turned away from me and I started playing. Besides being overall excited for her to hear it, I was nervous primarily.

The emergence of the song is a perfect representation of what producing music meant to me. It mostly helps me bringing things out that I am not able to express through words only. My songs basically portray an additional dimension of my personality that would probably not exist without music. It is pretty clear that music is a part of me. And Katherine apparently is a part of my music now. Thus, Katherine was also a part of me, I guess. She belonged to me in that sense. I sang "I'm so excited for the night, all we need's my bike and your enormous house."

When the song was over, Kate slowly turned around for the first time and looked directly into my soul. Right now, she could see everything of me because when I am playing my songs, I am the most myself I can be. She leaned over and while I was reaching for her hands, we kissed again. The kiss was definitely more intense this time, we were hugging and actively touching each other. I gently pulled her closer to my body and her hands were all over my back pulling me towards her as well. My hands were touching her neck and her cheeks. I could feel her hands digging into my curls. In those moments when our lips were not intertwined for a second, I could hear and sense her breath on my skin. She was perfect. Even after we had stopped kissing, I let my eyes closed to maintain the emotion she created in me.

"You look so cool." she muttered. I am speechless. How cheeky she was, rating my outer appearance instead of the song. She did not receive an answer.

"What do you think about the song?" I asked her instead. I was not sure if she had a clue that I indeed wrote the song about her only a few hours ago. While I was considering if I should clarify, she said:

"You're the first person to write a song for me." she attempted hugging me from behind. Alright, she had known. If she would have had any idea about how hard she challenged me all the time, she would be nice now and just say something like "I love it, the lyrics are cute.". Maybe she was also able to read my mind because she added:

"Why are so insecure? It was beautiful, Matty." She is so soft.

"Well, I am not insecure, I am just truly interested in your opinion. You are important to me." I countered.

"You know my opinion now, I guess." I hate her for not saying more about it. But I was smiling anyways.

"So, you wrote the song while I was gone? I was only gone for an hour or something." she observed correctly and lifted her eyebrows as if she seemed to be astonished.