The Boy from the Band

New Year's Eve 1983

Fortunately, he ignores me. "Aren't you going to thank me for your present?" he asks and begins to pull at my robe.

"I thought we were over, that this was over," I protest but not enough. God, I've missed him and if he wants to make love to me, he can. I don't know why he's doing this but I don't care. If he wants me, I'm his, I've always been his.

I slip off my robe and he begins to kiss me, starting with my lips and moving down to my neck. Those lips find my breasts and he begins to tease my nipples with his tongue, and oh god, if he doesn't stop soon I'm going to explode.

"Oh yeah," he breathes and pulls my robe away then strips off his clothes. I put my legs around his waist, squeezing him, and he says, laughing, "hey, take it easy." He picks me up and carries me into my bedroom, then dumps me on the bed. "Now," he says, "You better thank me and do a good job otherwise I'll keep  fucking you until you do."

"Promises, promises," I tell him, but he's feeling so good that I want this to go on and not stop.

He kisses me goodbye before he leaves and for a moment my heart doesn't feel so broken. I don't think things have changed, I'm his bad habit, something he can't quite give up, like coke or heroin. I'll be happy if this only happens this once, it's better that way.

I call Bob and he sounds happy to hear from me. "I was going to call you," he lies, but I don't mind, and I'm in luck, he didn't have a date yet so I guess I'm going to be it. He may flirt but he knows that I don't like three-ways (or more) so I'll get his New Year's Eve kiss and I won't have to share him that night. I'll try not to look at Rick with my heart in my eyes and I only hope that he'll be at least a little jealous.

Rick puts me on the red-eye on January 30. It's only nine p.m. in San Francisco which means I'll arrive at five a.m. When I told Bob what time I'm arriving he didn't seem to mind.

"I go to bed at five sometimes, babe, don't worry about inconveniencing me. I'm looking forward to seeing you again, it's been too long. You're too damn far away, you know, I miss you. The guys are looking forward to seeing you, you know. I'll be there to pick you up—should I use the Corvette?

I sleep for some of the flight, but I've never slept well on planes, not without chemical help. I'm excited to see Bob, no I need to see Bob. He's a friend/fuck buddy I can count on when I need someone. When I'm with him I laugh and I don't care about things. I need to not care about things right now.

He's waiting for me as I disembark with the rest of the passengers. I run to him, I can't help myself, and he lifts me up and spins me around, then kisses me in front of everybody. We get a few stares, he's a local celeb and people recognize him, but he acts as he pleases.

We walk, arm in arm to the baggage carousel and he takes my suitcase in one hand then puts his free arm around me.'

"Are you all, right?" he asks and I shake my head.

"No, but I deal with this one day at a time. I don't even know why he's doing this, it's like he wants to put a distance between us, then changes his mind.

"You need to get away from him," he says, "leave New York, come back to California."

I don't tell him that I'm thinking just that, I'm just not ready to leave.

New Year's Eve. They're opening for the Dead at the Civic Auditorium in San Francisco. I've got two backstage passes hanging around my neck—Bob insisted on giving me one from the Dead. Let them figure it out, he said.

The concert is great, Rick, Richard, Garth, and Levon have been playing together long enough now that their performance has gelled. They play a combination of Band numbers, some blues, and it all sounds so good that the audience is on its feet cheering.

Backstage I'm hanging out with the Dead, or should I admit that I'm hiding? Rick's with Elizabeth, Levon is with Sandy, Garth is with Maud, and Richard is with his groupie, drug addict wife, Arlie. All I know is that I'm avoiding them and clinging to Bob, which he's okay with. When they come off the stage the atmosphere is high and there are congratulations all around. Then the Dead go onstage and Trixie, Jerry's daughter, takes me under her wing and I don't feel exposed.

I'm Bob's girl at the after-party and that gives me some strength. When Rick manages to catch my eye he smiles, and I lower my head. I don't want him to look at me like that. When Bob takes me back to his place, he pulls me close and tells me he's proud of the way I held my head up. He must have missed the smile Rick gave me.

"When are you going to leave him,  babe?" Bob asks me and I wonder myself how long I can keep this up. I have an idea, although Rick smiled at me once, he avoided looking at me, especially when Bob became affectionate, kissing me, whispering naughty things in my ear to make me laugh. I could tell Rick wasn't happy, but I didn't care, for one night I didn't have to worry about  Elizabeth or him, I was with someone who didn't need to hide me.

I fly home the day after New Year's Day. Bob tells me again that I can come and stay with him anytime and won't I consider moving back to California?

I tell him I'll think about it. Right now, I don't know what I want. No, that's not quite true, I want Rick back but I don't know if I want to pay the price to have him.