Liana's Ship (#ONC 2021)

10. Zan: Hangover cure

I did not ask for an assistant, I didn't have time to train someone with the necessary skills. Time better spent trying to open the pods. I had already wasted last night doing a half-hearted search through files of eligible females. I had only myself to blame, I had started it, now I had been challenged to step up and make a match.

So far, I managed to get to the second page of the files before I fell asleep before I gave up. I also found out that humans call the mating ritual a 'date' and it involved going to eating houses with tables covered in white cloths. Why white I don't know, perhaps it is needed before the courtship dance. Not only did I have to dance, but now it appeared I had to ensure that said female was sated beforehand.

I was doomed.

I closed the file on my tablet, deciding the only solution for my low mood was moonwine, in large amounts. I went to the bar and drank alone.

Now, the morning after excessive intoxication I regretted it. My head hurt, my mouth felt as dry as the southern desert plain under the red sun and I was face to face with the woman who called me a, I quote 'Pumpkin killing bastard'.

None of those things are true, a Pumpkin is a fruit and Tshkan are tubers. My parents had been married, albeit very unhappily and ending in a very acrimoniously divorced. Judging by the scowl on her face, her opinion of me was unchanged.

"I'm here to assist Dr Zan?" She stated, standing in some strange outfit made of rough blue material, "oh god it's not you is it?" She said, with a thinly disguised look of horror.

"It is," I said, "and I don't require an assistant. I'm coping well enough thank you." My stomach lurched as I said this. The fear of evacuating its contents on her boots would soon be a reality if she didn't give up and go back to her cabin.

"Yeah, looks it," she muttered under her breath, unconvinced by the state of my health, "good night?"

"What?" I asked, "I sleep well most nights!" there was no way, I am telling my unwanted employee I slept fully clothed on top of my tablet.

"Really?" She was trying not to laugh, "'cos it looks suspiciously like a hangover to me!"

"I'm hanged over what?"

"Really?" she said, "probably not since you're well, an alien and all." she took a deep breath, "how do I explain this? It's the headache and delicacy you get after drinking too much alcohol." She explained, "It either was a good night or a bad one. I'm guessing you don't have many good nights?"

"It was bad news," I said, deciding there was no point in hiding the truth. Well some of the truth, I couldn't tell her the whole truth, she'd be on an escape pod risking the horrors of outer space if she knew. "I have found out I am being included in the mating programme after being promised an exemption."

"Ah," she said after a pause "that's quite bad, at least you knew about it, unlike some of us."

Of course. She wasn't. I still have no idea how she didn't know. Every other female did in the past. How has she slipped through the system? Communication between the departments had become worse. I had been too engrossed in my work to be bothered to find out. After meeting this female I was further disheartened to see there was miscommunication Earthside as well.

"I'm Liana, by the way thanks for asking," she added, "I have secateurs, I could start..." she looked around at my office, which by my own admission was overgrown, "pruning this office if you like." She pulled out a tool which consisted of two handles and metal blades. Without warning she grabbed one particularly vigorous vine growing near the doorway, before I knew it she had opened the metal implement wide and positioned it over the poor vine.

"What on our red sun are you doing!" I yelled, before she mindlessly attacked Thera.

She looked up, gave me a look of sheer confusion, "I'm pruning, Dr Zan," she said, "removing parts of a plant that are overgrown or damaged. This whole ship could do with a good pruning if you ask me."

"You cannot just start cutting into Thera, I said exasperated, "not without permission first."

"Oh I'm sorry," she closed the blades, looking me in the eye, "may I cut off the vines in your office?" She said in a mock tone.

"Not from me!" I couldn't believe what I was hearing, I waved my hands around my office, trying to indicate the whole ship, "Thera!"

Liana put her head in her hands, "of course I do. Why am I not surprised I need to do that in this madhouse?"

"Do you not have manners on your planet?" I asked in disbelief. Humans chopping plants without any thought to the plant? The very idea was unthinkable, Xeran's always ask, even if the plant has limited to little sentience. This Liana was perplexed and angry at the mere thought.

"No we don't!" she laughed, "why would we ask something that doesn't think? It's bad enough trampling on the feelings of other people, god knows what else I could offend if a tomato had feelings and I didn't hear you asking 'Hello Tshkan plant, mind if I squish you?' The other day, did I?"

"That was different!" I shouted, wincing as my head throbbed, "they are pests and spread disease."

"But they also have feelings," she said, "so I don't understand." She threw her hands in the air. "You're in pain, self inflicted but you're still in agony. Let's agree to disagree about ethical treatment of plants for now. Do you know any places on this ship we can get some Earth food?"

I nodded, "but you've just started working! It is not time to eat yet."

"Yes I know," she sighed, "but I'm not working with a hungover extraterrestrial until they have something to line their stomach. Thankfully, I know something about an Earth cure. Come on then."

I led her to the Earth food eating house. I should have protested but just as I went to speak. A feeling in my stomach caused me to dash to the nearest receptacle. As I was evacuating my meagre stomach contents, I swore I could hear Liana tutting in disgust.