Liana's Ship (#ONC 2021)

2. Liana: Sugar Lovin' Tubers

"You idiot!" I yelled at the pumpkin killer, when I had recovered my speech, "why did you do that?"

"I killed it," the pumpkin murderer said, his tail held high. What did that mean?

"But I only wanted my chocolate back, I didn't want it to get murdered for that!"

"It is," he paused trying to find the word for what it meant, "I don't know what humans call it. It roams around, taking produce of high nutritional value and depletes our food supply."

"A pest?" I suggested.

"Yes, that is the word," he said, focusing on me again, "did you not listen to the information on keeping foodstuffs with a high sugar and fat content contained or where you too busy looking at potential life mates by chance."

"Life mates?" I burst out laughing, "I'm not looking for a husband! I'm here to work, that's all. Nothing else!" His face looked confused, "Look, I just came out of a really bad relationship. Of course I'm not ruling out any shenanigans if the opportunity arises." I inwardly cringe, had I said that aloud? I had, shit. I stuttered out an explanation rather poorly, "What I meant is a year is a rather long time to contemplate celibacy, isn't it?"

That wasn't any better. I blush through to the roots of my hair. I bet first contact never went as badly as this. They always know what to say in the films. I just accuse a scientist of murder and come across as a sad, horny human female, approaching middle age.

"Surprising," he said, with a smirk on his face. I decided there and then I preferred grumpy Xeran to amused, "Because that's what most of the other women come on here for."

What? Was he serious? I was told I'd be training. Leaving with useful skills, nothing about matchmaking was mentioned. I tried remembering what happened at that interview. No, I was told it was a year, it was hard work and how grateful they were that I had come at the last minute. Looking back, the interviewer probably had been a little over enthusiastic. I had been too overjoyed at finally finding employment. If you have ever had beans on toast for dinner four days in a row you will understand. The rent and bills had taken most of my monthly benefit leaving virtually nothing for food.

I look him in the eyes, determined not to look floored by his revelation,"well, I think you will find I'm not one of those women." I shouted emphasising women, "and don't worry, I'm not going to go after some pumpkin killing chocolate destroyer like you!"

He smirked, "your so called chocolate was destroyed the moment the tshkan tuber took it." He picked up a tendril and held it up to me, "see the barbs? They latch onto the food and suck the sugars out." He picked up a piece of chocolate, still in its foil and crumbled it, ash fell on the floor. Useless. I could have wept at the loss.

Instead I stamp my foot, "well that's just brilliant. Sugar loving tubers on a ship that's just a glorified floating tree in space and some jumped up science geek thinks I'm here because I was told it was one giant knock-in shop! This has got to be a joke."

The Xeran gave me a blank stare, "so be it" he said, as I watched tendrils, pale and white encase over the body of the tsh-whatever pumpkin potato thing and my late lamented chocolate. Soon the tendril mass flattens and there is nothing but a pale wooden floor again.

I shudder. The ship dissolves and absorbs waste, leaving nothing behind. If you think that's bad, then don't think of the toilet. It gave me nightmares just thinking about using it.

"I think you will find a clause in your contract stating that you are prepared to enter courting procedures if an interest is made," he sighed, "I fail to believe you humans never read anything through."

He was right, how many times had I signed the terms and conditions on a phone app and not bothered to read them? Too many times. Despite his uncomfortable truth I was sure as hell not going to let him know that. I had a little too much smug male today and without my much needed sugar my tolerance was down.

"I'm going to have a word with the personnel department about this!" I said to this stuck up science bloke, meeting him in the eye.

That sounded better in my head. In reality, I probably sounded less like a confident unflappable woman and more like a petulant child. The Xeran ignored this, turned around and walked back into the opening, muttered an excuse about having work to do. The door closed behind him, white tendrils reaching toward each other and joining. Soon the wall is nothing but solid wood.

I breathe a sigh of relief. The ship was as big as London it was highly unlikely I'd bump into him again. One obnoxious alien was enough.