The Change Within

㉕You Never Did, Anyway

Mr. Kung caught the caramel-haired boy jolting forward, as if he wanted to stop him from leaving, but halted sharply and dropped his head instead. “Look at you, wanting to run after him.”

“What the hell is wrong with me?” Jeongguk murmured as he gripped his hair, pulling it hard to contain whatever overcame him at that moment.

“Stop fighting with yourself. Just admit that you care. Why do you choose to hurt him like that instead of protecting him? Because if you think you’re protecting him by calling him desperate, you’re wrong. If you think you’re protecting him by blackmailing him, there aren’t even words to describe how wrong you are. I know it’s hard, Jeongguk. But you’re in a place where you have to accept your feelings and come to peace with reality so you can move forward. That will help you move on from what happened eight years ago. Don’t you want to move on from that?”

“What does this have to do with what happened in the past?”

“Why are you asking me? You should know that already.”

“But I don’t... I don’t know.”

Mr. Kung walked around the desk and stood in front of the visibly lost boy. “What did you do when the problem started back then?”

Jeongguk lifted his heavy-lidded eyes as he pondered over his question, and a soft sigh seeped through his lips once the realization struck him. “I avoided it. I ignored it until... until it was too late.”

“That’s what you’re doing now. You avoid your feelings. And that subconsciously triggers you and prevents you from moving forward.”

“You’re not treating me like a patient, right?”

“Look, maybe I have a degree in psychology, but I don’t like acting as a doctor with you. And I don’t want you to think of me as one. I want you to think of me as a mentor, if you will. And a friend you can count on. I just want to help you understand a few things you can’t by yourself. Or more accurately, some things you just don’t want to see.”

“Okay then.” Jeongguk rubbed his temples as he shut his eyes, feeling mentally drained. “What am I supposed to do now?”

“You’re not a patient, right? Why would I tell you?”

His lighthearted teasing drew out a near-silent chuckle from the younger. “Yeah but... I don’t know what to do. I want to take back everything I said to him today. How do I do that?”

“You can’t take words back. When they’re said, it’s done. That’s why we should be careful about what we say. But you can apologize for them. Explain why you regret what you said and make it right.”

“I regret it because—“

“Don’t explain to me. I know already.” A mild chuckle came with his words that made the younger smile. “I want you to know I’m proud of you. You’ve come a long way. And I’m happy to see you make so much progress.”

“It doesn’t feel like I made so much progress, though. I’m still... I still feel...” His chest deflated with the deep sigh that escaped his mouth as he lowered his gaze.

“Broken?”

The younger nibbled his bottom lip as he gave two faint nods, his shoulders sinking with dejection.

“It’s okay. You made progress even if you can’t realize it yet. Maybe your pieces won’t stick back together completely, but you can fill the cracks with your friends’ love and your self-love. You can fill them by doing what you love the most and focusing on what makes your heart jump with joy. And if you don’t give up, one day you’ll wake up and... you’ll feel complete again. That’s how life works, as crazy as it sounds right now. You have to keep fighting against your demons and give it time. I promise it will work at the end.”