21 Jump Street (Tom Hanson)

Busting Santa Claus

"That's disgusting," I said and took a step back from the man. I accidentally bumped the table behind me.

"You don't have to like me, sweetheart," he said as staggered to the table and made himself some hot coco, but poured rum into it from a bottle in the pocket of his Santa coat.

"This is so inappropriate," I stated, "you are working with children. You need to pull yourself together."

"Relax, I've got... like... fifteen minutes." He downed the whole thing in a single gulp. "Say, got any snow?"

"Snow?"

"You know... the devils dandruff? Nose candy?"

I stared at him blankly. "No. Why would I have that?"

"It's just a question, god."

"How did you even get this job?" I genuinely asked.

He shrugged, "dunno. But I'm Santa now."

"Well, you don't look like Santa."

He burped and said, "well, I am."

I was livid so I turned around to grab some more candy canes to put in my pocket to give to the children. That was when I heard Willie whistle, "with an elf like that, Santa ain't coming to town this year, I'll be going to town."

I rolled my eyes and tried to ignore him because I had a job to do, but then I felt pressure on my butt. He was grabbing my ass, and I was really not okay with that. My natural instinct took over. I didn't have my gun, so I grabbed Willie's wrist and twisted it around his back and knocked him down so his face was pressed against the table. I put significant amount of weight on my forearm which rested at the base of Willie's neck so he couldn't get back up.

"Touch me again, and I swear to god I will make you regret it for the rest of your fucking life," I spat at him through my gritted teeth. He wiggled under my grasp but I wasn't about to let him go. I wanted to arrest him right then and there, but I needed more evidence if I was going to put him away for a long time, but this was definitely going on my naughty list.

"Jesus, bitch," he said and I let him go. He rubbed at his neck as he stood up straight and looked at me with an expression that was a mixture of anger and confusion. "What the hell do they teach you at Elf Academy?!"

My nostrils were flared in pure anger and I said to him in a calm yet intimidating tone, "touch me again, and I will beat your ass."

He didn't say anything, instead he walked out the back door of our gingerbread house. I followed him as he stumbled toward the food court.

"Fifteen minutes," I snapped at him.

He waved me off, "yeah, yeah."

I internally groaned and turned around to head over to the nearby payphone instead of following Willie to the food court. I called up Tom, for the only reason was to complain. He wasn't on this case, so I did not have to ask for his assistance for anything.

"Things not so cheery at the North Pole?" Tom asked after he heard my voice.

"Hardly," I said, looking over my shoulder to make sure no one could hear me. "He's an asshole."

"How is it?" He asked.

"He told a kid that he loved a woman who wasn't clean," I stated.

Tom was silent for a moment. "Is that code for a sex thing?"

"Absolutely."

"Wow... that's shocking," Tom said, "to a child?!"

"Yeah. He reeks of booze, he's disgusting... and I'm pretty sure he pissed himself," I said. I didn't want to tell him about Willie trying to grope me, at least not over the phone. I know he would only get mad and protective, which would not help this case.