Brooklyn Baby

Chapter 12

Song Suggestion: With a little help from my friends 

Jason P.O.V

I let my breath out and calm down from the slight panic. Waking up by James yelling your name, specially after what happened last night isn't actually the best y'know. When I heard James's voice, I swear to god I burried my whole career and life in the dead ground. Memories came flying to my mind as my hands started to sweat. But I was relieved when I found out it's just a casual conversation. Well..not casual. I sigh and stare at my walkman as I sit alone in my bunk. James left couple of minutes ago. A faded smile forms on my lips as I remember the strawberry flavoured biscuits. James was acting softer than usual. Which makes sense, maybe he's just thankful that I helped him out last night and maybe it's because of Kirk. James talked to me about Kirk's possible cocaine issue and in my suprise, asked me to keep an eye on him. Which I accepted immediately. He was right, Kirk's drug issue also got me worried. Kirk's my friend, he means a lot to me and honestly I couldn't have kept up with James and Lars's bullies if it wasn't for Kirk's kindness. I'm not gonna let him drown in drugs. And besides I promised James I will help him. How can I let down the electric of his blue eyes when he heard I'm ready to help Kirk.

I'd never want to see those eyes sad. Fuck man, fuck. I need to stop daydreaming about him and yet here I am. Lars's whiney voice violently pulled me out from my own world. I collect my walkman and take a deep breath. It's gonna be a long day trying to keep myself down from smiling dumbly to James and keeping up with Lars teasing me around and fucking Kirk zoned out all the time. Fuck.

We arrive at the arena around 4 pm. The bus trip was complete torture. Kirk threw up for exactly 2 hours and Lars couldn't quit yawning. When Kirk finally came out of the high class toilet, his face was pale as chalk and his eyes were bloodshot. James just sighed and stared at the ground awkwardly. I paled around and helped Kirk with some leftover food. Lars took his 3rd nap of the day and I nearly spilled all my beer on James. He didn't fire out on me. He just shook his head and mumbled a quiet "fuck man". I wanted to kill myself at that very moment. His sudden change of behaviour made me confused but happy at the same time. I shake my thoughts off and tune my bass. The manager gave us time to chill around a little and then start soundcheck and rehearsal and other shit. James went off for some cool beer. Lars joined Kirk with two big pepperoni pizzas and they left to eat it on the empty stage. For some reason, Kirk absolutely loves empty stadiums and stages. He says it gives him horror movie vibes. Since I had no plans, I decided to sit alone in the tuning room and spend time with my bass. I silent my bass as someone opens the door. Kirk's voice fills the room. "Holy mother of the fucking shit my hand hurts so bad I want to cut it off and play guitar with my fucking di-" his voice dies down as he sees me. I shot him a smile. "Dude you scare the life out of me sitting there like a creep." Kirk

chuckles and closes the door behind him. "I see you're getting creative in playing guitar." I say still smiling. "Fuck off, my hand does hurt so bad." Kirk says and sits beside me on the cold dirty floor. I look at the clock, it shows 5:04 pm. Great, I spent 30 minutes playing bass and overthinking. "Where're the other two?" I say and place my bass down. "I don't know, Lars started flirting with some roadie and I just headed here duh." Kirk mumbles fast. I look at him. He looks tired, playing with his wedding ring. "Dude, you ok?" I ask. He comes out of his zone and eyes me. "What? Uh yeah?" Kirk says fast. "You look a bit pale." He blinks and then gives out an awkward fake laugh. "It's ok man I'm good. It's probably just the coke. Nothing to worry about." Kirk says. "Right..so how does it feel?" I say under my breath. "What?" "How does it feel being high on coke?" I say. Kirk looks at me and takes a breath. "It's, you know it's like, I don't know. It makes you numb."

He Huff's his breath out. "Numb for what?" I say. "It just numbs your brain and suddenly nothing exists. It's just pure white." Kirk mumbles and looks down at his hands. "What're you asking all this shit?" Kirk says all of a sudden, his voice raised up a bit. "I'm just a bit worried about you." I say and sigh. "What for!? Dude I'm ok." Kirk says and wants to get up but I stop him. "Are you sure?" My words are cut in half when Kirk burst's out. "No need to fucking babysit me Jason I know what the fuck I'm doing!" I hold his hand as he gets up to leave. "I'm not babysitting you Kirk, I just don't want to lose my friend!" For the first time in a long time, I yelled at someone.

Kirk's expression's unreadable. I suddenly remember what I just did. He's in a fragile position, his mind's fucked up with cocaine and he's trying his best to do good. And I yelled at him. Kirk just stares at me, his mouth slight open, his palm sweating in mine. "Shit..shit Kirk I, I'm sorry I didn't want to tell at you shit, I'm so sorry. L..look it's ok, i shouldn't have yelled at you." I say in a low tone and squeeze his hand a bit. Kirk's face is stoned infront of me. His eyes start to get watery and he sits down and burries his face in his hands. Shit no... "Kirk no I'm.. sorry I really didn't mean to-" "I don't know Jase." Kirk's voice comes out broken and muffled. I sit in front of him and notice his shoulders shaking. Fuck, I made him cry. The amount of guilt and self hate that runs over me makes my stomach churn. "Hey..it's alright. I got you." I wrap a hand around his shoulders and try to calm him down. "It's all too much. It's all too much to handle. Everything keeps crushing me down, punching my guts out. It's overwhelming that my mind never shuts up. I try so hard to play good and please the fans. Try so hard to save my stupid marriage, and that stupid fucking woman I don't even love. I try so hard to get over Cliff's absence but I still see nightmares. Nearly every night. Every single night on the bus I can see him playing cards and winning the best bunk, and then there's blood. There's blood everywhere. It just, I can't." Broken whimperes leave Kirk's mouth. I hug him and let him cry his frustration out in my chest. I run my hand on his back and try to calm him down. "Hey hey..it's ok. You're doing good Kirk, It's alright. It's alright." I whisper. "I didn't want to be a burden, I didn't want to worry you guys. I just wanted a way out of my own misery. And drugs just got involved. Im sorry." Kirk says, his voice barely a whisper. I let my breath out. "You're not a burden. You're my friend. I know how much pressure you're facing and I'm amazed by how you still shine on. But Kirk, drugs aren't the way to go on. I

care about you, so does James and Lars. Fans love and adore you. We just don't want anything bad to happen to you." I say. Kirk leaves my embrace and faces me. His eyes are red and slightly puffed. He sniffs and clears his throat. "You're right man, I'll take care of this coke shit. I promise." He says. "You better now?" I ask him. "Yeah, I'm sorry if I bursted out on you all of a sudden. The drugs fuck my brains out sometimes." Kirk says and lets out a quiet chuckle. I smile at him. "It's alright man, sometimes we gotta let it out. We're cool." I stand up and put my bass on the used shitty couch. Kirk stands up as well and drinks some water. "So..you're ending it with Rebecca?" I ask. Rebecca and Kirk has been in a relationship for 3 years. They married eachother 2 years ago but since then I never really hear much about her from Kirk. Tho I've met her couple of times, she seems nice. "I don't know, I just know that it was all a mistake. A big one." Kirk says and picks up a Gibson. "How comes that? Oh I'm sorry you don't really have to answere me man it's your private life." I say and give out an awkward laughter. "No no it's fine. I found out we're not on the same page y'know." Kirk answered back. "She's a nice girl don't get me wrong. But she's not the one. And honestly I feel like she cares about my money more than me."

"Hmm..things would've been easier if you two weren't y'know..married." I mumble back. "It's more like a trap than a marriage. I thought I love her but I was wrong. After Cliff's passing you know how downhill it got. She was really the only person around. Lars was damn aggressive and James was 24/7 wasted. She was there and listened to me y'know. Made me feel appreciated. Made me feel like I need her to live, to be happy. I still owe her one for not letting me kill myself tho." Kirk laughs. "But it isn't love. I'm trying to end it on good terms. After the tour of course." He finishes his sentence and starts playing scales. "Good luck dude, I'm happy you found the truth. I'm always there if you need a hand." I say and pat his shoulder. I walk to the door. "Thank you, Jason." Kirk's says as I open the door. I smile back and leave. I sigh. Kirk's always been the soft guy who triez to play tough. I don't blame him for anything. Christ I need some fresh air. A cool feeling fills my head as I head to stage.

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