Faded [ON HOLD]

Part 7

Chapter 7

Dear Mindy, (That's my aunt's name)

We had a son.

You know my disappointment. I couldn't have stressed the fact more that I wanted a girl.

Well a little boy is what we got. And despite wanting a child, when I first saw him I wished we could rewrite the past and undo what we did. But we can't. Please don't think I'm overreacting. I'll be fine in a couple of days. It's just a bit of a shock because the doctors diagnosed him as a girl at first.

His name is Ryan Icarus Penn.

Me.

My second name is Icarus. I know who exactly that is. And I'm not proud of it.

Ever since I was three or four, my mom would read me Greek myths and tell me about the goddesses. That's how I know so much about some stuff.

I feel undone. I feel bitter. I feel........insecure. Even though I don't want to feel that way. Maybe sometimes you don't have control over your feelings. Not when someone is deliberately messing with your emotions from the moment you were born.

My mom is an actress. This is where I've got it from.

All this time, I thought I was wanted. I thought she loved me. I thought her world revolved around me as mine did hers until she passed away.

For those of you who don't know Icarus, here's the story.

Icarus was the disappointment of the family.

His father was a professional architect and engineer. The man who could make stars come out of his own fingertips. The man who made magic happen. What could he himself do?

Nothing special. I mean he could probably count his toes and bite his fingernails. But none of that is enough to make him comparable with his dad. Their leagues were far, far away.

And when they were escaping from king Minos's prison, he had one job. One single rule.

Don't fly too close to the sun.

What does he do? He flies close to the sun. he had one job and he just couldn't do it.

And thus the wax that holds his wings together giving him the ability that only birds were given, melts and his wings come off and he lightly falls into the sea, flailing to grab the scattered feathers and failing.

I think it's wrong for my mom to call me that without waiting to see what I was like. Maybe she wanted a girl but too bad, when you had sex, all you were thinking of was having a child. It was either a boy or a girl.

If you wanted one thing or nothing at all, you should've gone with nothing.

Her next sentence made my heart stop beating.

But I love him Mindy. I really do.

I wish you could see him. When he smiles his left eye twitches as if it's trying to smile too. And when you hold onto his favorite soft toy, he clutches your hand and puts his saliva all over it. Like he's punishing you.

He has anemia unfortunately. Like me.

It's not his fault the doctors diagnosed his gender wrong.

So I'm going to keep loving him. Until I finally love him as much as a mother should.

Love you dear. Stay safe.

Lily.

Lily.

My mom. Lillian Penn.

So she wasn't acting.............it was a gradual development of genuine love. Well that was a rollercoaster of emotions.

I feel empty.

I never noticed she loved me less at first, but judging by this letter, it must've been fairly obvious at that time.

But she did love me then. A little.

Baby me.

I wonder if the love developed or faded as I grew up. She said it would grow but she doesn't know what the future holds for her. For us.

And I guess I'll never know either.