Me After You

Saying Goodbye

Funerals. The last funeral I went to was my best friend's. I had been to so many funerals it was almost funny how many people you can lose.
After driving back home with Zola and Bailey following Meredith's death and stepping through the door, my eyes roamed the large room. Memories started to come up. Meredith and I had spent our best years here. I remembered clearly how she had told me she was pregnant with Bailey, she had just stood up and smiled at me. Her smile. It had always brought out something in me, something that had always made me smile, as well. The sparkly eye thing. I went into our bedroom and turned on the lights. Until a few hours ago I had been lying here alone and sleeping. Back then I had thought that Meredith was healthy and alive in the hospital. But now? Now everything was different, everything had changed in a few hours. I thought we had forever, but we didn't.
I put my kids to bed and then lay down myself. But I could not sleep, I missed her so incredibly. I turned my head to the other side and looked at the empty spot on the other half of the bed. I couldn't do that anymore. I got up, took the bedspread and pillow with him, and went into the living room. There I lay down on the couch and tried to sleep there, but I was only barely successful. And so it went for the whole next week, I didn't go to work either, I took Zola to school and Bailey to daycare in the morning, then I mostly went to the forest to go fishing and just to think. I ignored all calls from Alex, Bailey or Richard. Once even Christina called me, he knew that Meredith's death was probably getting to her too and she was devastated. She was her Person. Something I may never understood, but always respected. But I  just ran away. When I found the invitation for the funerals in the mailbox, something was released in me again. Some pain, some sadness and some melancholy. All these feelings I didn't want at all. I wanted to run away, but I pulled himself together. I had to hold out until the funeral.

And now the day had come, it had been a week. I looked in the mirror and straightened my tie one last time, took one deep breath and then turned to go to Zola, she was probably having trouble with her dress. I had already changed Bailey and was putting him in the stroller when the doorbell rang. I opened and Christina was standing in front of him. "Hey", she said. "Hey", I replied and then neither of us said anything for a long time. We just looked at each other. Suddenly Zola came from behind. "Hi Christina. Are you here for Mum?" She looked down at her and smiled tentatively. "Yes. Yes, I'm here for your mommy, I'm here to say goodbye to her." I still hadn't moved any further. Gradually I came back to the present, it seemed like my mind had completely drifted off. "Christina, I'm sorry, I know I should have called you, but... But I couldn't, I'm sorry." "Hey, no, it's okay. Alex told me, I figured you had your reasons. Come on I'll help you." She went into the house and got the stroller with Bailey, I helped Zola with the shoes, and then we walked to the car.
When we arrived at the church, everyone was already there. Unfortunately, we were a little late. I looked around and nodded to everyone. I took Bailey in my arms and Zola again by the hand and then we all went into the church. I wasn't really there, I was a ghost. I just looked straight ahead the whole time. From behind I heard April crying. I guessed she had probably planned the funeral, planning and organizing was just her thing. After the pastor finished, Bailey, Richard, Christina and Alex still came forward and gave little speeches of Meredith and what a great friend and colleague she was. When Alex finished his speech, he looked at me, but I shook my head. I didn't want to say anything, I just wanted to get this day over with as quickly as possible. The coffin was open, I could see Meredith. How she lay there, motionless. My heart broke again. The coffin was lifted and then taken outside. Everyone stood up. Zola and I and all the other relatives and friends walked behind us. I looked around. I could see Thatcher, after all he had done to Meredith, I should have hated him, but I didn't. I thought that the man was enough to make him feel sorry for, he had lost just about everyone, only his one daughter, Molly, was left. I kept looking, spotting colleagues from the hospital and a couple other faces that looked familiar. But then my gaze stopped on a woman. I didn't recognize her at first, but when I realized who it was, an incredible rage rose up inside me. I let go of Zola's hand, gave Callie Bailey, who was standing right next to me and walked towards the woman in quick steps. "How dare you show up here, you have absolutely no right to be here. You are the reason my wife, the love of my life, died thinking I didn't love her. You have no right to be here and I'm going to ask you very nicely to get the hell out of here." I had grown louder and louder, for it was the intern who had kissed me in D.C.. It had gone very quiet, because I had literally yelled at her. She had moved back a couple of steps, out of respect for me, bringing a couple of seconds to comprehend the situation and respond. "Please, Dr. Shepherd, I am only here to offer my condolences. We were told about your resignation and the death of your wife and I came here to apologize to you and offer my condolences. I never meant to bother you or-" I shushed her. "Leave! And if you don't, I'll have to get physical if necessary, and I really don't want that, so get the hell out! Just get out!" She didn't answer anything more and just turned around and walked away. I also turned back around, everyone looking at me concerned. I took Zola's hand back and my son back in my arm and just kept walking. I didn't want to talk about it. It was possible that I had overreacted a bit, because I had flirted with her then, as well, but I didn't care about that at all now.
I watched as the coffin was lowered into the ground. Now DI was back in his trance state. No emotions, no feelings. After the hole was closed again, all of the friends and colleagues would come and shake my hand and sometimes Zolas and they would say how sorry they were. For them, life would go on after that, tomorrow was another beautiful day where you could do something new. But for me, the idea of just moving on was unimaginable. Bailey, Callie, Arizona, April, Jackson, Richard, Christina and Alex were still waiting for the last one to be caught. They had hugged Zola and I and told them how sorry they were. Now they looked at me and Zola and then Jackson interrupted the silence. "So what are you going to do now?" I didn't answer at first, I had to think what to say. "I don't know", I said then simply. I had no idea what I was going to do now. I just wanted to run, get away from everything and do it as fast as I could. I was a wreck.