Me After You

I Am Not Ready Yet

I had put Zola and Bailey into bed and now I was washing the dishes from dinner when Meredith got home. "Derek?" This time she started the conversation. Over the day she had thought a lot about everything and it had occurred to her that she had also messed up a lot and she could not blame everything on Derek. She had never supported her husband and had always put him down for his final first decisions. He had actually chosen her, but she had only continued to insult him. She wanted to apologize for that. "Wait!" She looked at me questioningly, but I first had to sort my thoughts in order to say exactly the right thing to her. But then I started. "I am calling post-it. Zola and Bailey and tumors on the walls and ferry boat scrub caps. I thought D.C. was everything. And I was wrong. You...You. You're everything. I love you and I am not gonna stop loving you. Meredith, I can't live without you. I don't wanna live without you and I am gonna do everything in my power to proof it." It was a load off her mind, because it looked as if everything could be settled after all. She smiled at me. She forgot that I had kissed another woman. She just loved me too much. She didn't answer for like an eternity. "I can't live without you, neither " I smiled. I put both of my hands on her cheeks and kissed her softly. Meredith really was the best thing that had ever happened to me.

I frightened high. Slowly I started to realize, that he had only dreamed it all. It was all a dream. Sadly. I ran my left arm over the other side of the bed, which was still empty. So Meredith still had not come home. She had probably stayed in the hospital and slept there to avoid me. But that did not really suit her. Meredith mostly tried to talk instead of avoiding conversations, as I always did. But wait, something had woken me up, the doorbell. There it was again. I quickly put on something. It was just 12pm. Who rang at the door in the middle of the night? It can't be Meredith, she has keys. But maybe she forgot them? But right in the moment I tried to calm myself down with this thought I saw the red-blue light of the police siren through the window. A shock went through my body. What the hell happened that the police shows up at my door in the middle of the night? I opened the door. The amazement was written on my face. A thousand questions buzzed through my head. "Hello Mr. uh Grey? I am sorry, is this the home of your wife, Dr. Meredith Grey?" Everything seemed to be blurred. I just replied without thinking about it. "It- Yeah it is." My voice cracked completely. "I'm afraid, there's been an accident. Could you come with us, please?" What was going on? A few minuets ago I just slept in my bed and thought that everything was going to be fine, but now? "Sir, are you okay?" What a stupid question. Of course, I was not alright. My wife just had an accident. "We have to go. It is really urgent", said the police officer. "I c- I- I can't just go. I- What am I supposed to do with my kids? Officer can please tell me what happened?" "Mr. Grey, we don't really know either. Just uh grab your children and follow us with your car, please."

I came to the hospital. Zolas hand in mine and Bailey in the stroller. Everything felt so surreal. That couldn't be the end, could it? Or is it? No, I didn't want to admit that. The police had told me nothing and I had no idea what was in store for me. No idea. It was a strange hospital, I had never been here before, I knew that. It was not particularly large, but it didn't seem to have special features either. It did not seem really professional to me. A nurse assured me that she would look after my children while I was away. Zola didn't want to leave me at first, but after I assured to her that it wouldn't take long, she agreed and went with the nurse. I looked after the three of them to see where they were going. Then I turned and went to the room where Meredith should be. When I arrived I was petrified. The sight of the love of my life in this sick bed. Helpless. But all was not lost, I knew I would do everything possible to save her. Suddenly her doctor came up to me. "I'm so sorry", he said, "But we discovered her cerebral hemorrhage too late and I don't think we can do anything more for her. I just wanted to let you know what a pleasure it is to meet you. I'm a huge fan-" What was this man thinking. My world was breaking in to two, I felt so much pain that I had to pull myself together so incredibly not to collapse. I just cut him off. "Can I have her files, please", I said in a trembling voice. I tried to stay calm, but it was so difficult not to yell at that incompetent doctor next to me. His inability had killed her. The love of my life, the mother of my kids, my soulmate, my everything. The man tried to calm me down. "Sir, I don't think you-" "Can I just get her file, please!" And this time I could not hold back anymore, I yelled at the doctor and tears welled up in my eyes. And now I had them in my hands, her files, the proof that everything was in ruins. But that could not be the end, could it? There has to be some kind solution. I still had some hope. I had not managed to get in to her room yet, I just could not. I was grounded. No, I could not and would not just admit this. I could not tell Meredith yet how sorry I was for everything. I could not tell her how much I love her. I just wanted to tell her that for me she will always be the girl in the bar who turned my life upside down overnight. But it was too late now. I instinctively searched for a solution. Over and over again I looked at her CT, MRI and other images and the more often I looked at them and held them into the light, the more I became aware that he was right. I had to let go of her.