Ecstasy

prologue

It's a Sunday. Halos lahat ng pamilya nasa simabahan kapag linggo at nagsisimba. Churches are open from morning to night. But my Sundays were never like that.

It goes something like this...

Gigising ako ng umaga, kakain ng almusal. Pagkatapos noon, maliligo ako at magbibihis. My usual attire during Sundays are very casual. A dress then sneakers. Then, pupunta kami ni Kuya Bill (ang pinsan ko) sa mall.

Magd-date sa kung saan mang restaurant sa mall sina auntie and tito. Manonood kami ni kuya Bill ng kung anumang palabas na showing–3 movies in one day.

Kapag hapon na, uuwi na kami ulit sa bahay. Magpapalit ako ng jeans at shirt tapos sweater. Pagsapit ng 7PM, ihahatid ako ni kuya Bill dito tapos babalikan ng 9PM.

Ganto ang Sundays ko simula nung nag-15 ako. Lagi lang chairs formed in a circle with people of different ages, sharing things that do not go beyond these circles. Bago kami mag-umpisa, kumakain muna kami ng dinner at nakikipag-usap sa mga tao.

Hindi ako masyadong nag-eengage in conversations with these people. Hindi lang ako sanay na may gustong kumilala sa'kin. Isa pa, bihira ang mga ka-edad ko rito. I have one of my age though, si Daryl–ang pumipirma ng forms namin to validate our presence here. He's the closest to me here but no one except me knows what he actually does.

Almost six years and countless Sundays of my life have been like this. Sanay na ako. I have come here in different states and phases of my life. Good and bad days but I show up, except on the times that I really can't.

"Gusto mo bang mag-share?" Tanong sa'kin ni pastor Solomon. Umiling ako pero mapilit siya.
"Three Sundays ka nang di nag-sshare, that's three times na pinagbigyan ka ng group." Sagot naman ni pastor sa'kin.

Bumuntong hininga ako at nag-isip ng sasabihin ko. Pero isa lang ang pumapasok sa isip ko.

I let out a deep breath.

"Ang textbook definition ng word na ecstasy is being in a state beyond reason or self-control, a state of an overwhelming feeling or being in a sleeplike state or trance as some people say it.

Tama naman silang lahat. Kasi ang ecstasy ay isa ring party drug. A drug that can do what all the textbook definitions said so. I have experienced all of those things, surely you all also did. Because if not, you would not be here.

At bakit ito ang shineshare ko sa inyo ngayon, you might might ask? Because I am craving for it–ecstasy. Yung 3-6 hours na nasa ganung state ako, I miss that and also when I took more than one pill and I have been in that state for almost 24 hours.

This chip I'm holding right now says that I'm 2 months clean. It also means that it's been two months since bad shit happened to me just last year. This chip is a reminder of why I am not 2 months clean. I am only clean for 2 weeks now. Pero iuuwi ko pa rin ang chip na 'to because people at home don't know about that at wala rin sa inyong makakapagsabi sa kanila that I am not 2 months clean dahil sa oath natin dito.

We all did that, one or twice or more than three times diba? But this shit we're doing does not even work, we still sniff or put pills in our system. Most the people na kasama ko dito noong nag-umpisa ako, patay na. Hindi ko nga alam kung paanong nandito pa ako e. And you all, how does the shit we take have not killed us all yet?"

Napatingin ako sa balikat ko nung may kumalabit sa'kin. Tinatawag pa rin pala ako ni pastor Sol at tinatanong kung mag-sshare ako. Doon ko lang narealize na nasa utak ko lang pala ang mga salitang nasabi ko. I have not said those terrible things in this audience out loud which is tama naman. Inayos ko ang pag-upo ko tapos uminom ako ng tubig mula sa water bottle ko.

"Hi I'm Jo, and I'm an addict." I said and I smiled.

This is just really how my Sundays actually begin for me.