When The Darkness Takes Us: Jess's Story

The More I Obsess

I check discord often now. All the time. Now that I know it's him. Him.

He doesn't say much. Goes off on a tangent in support of Creature Freedom Crusade. I know it's weird for a conservative like me to be so hot for such a left-leaning Libertarian....ugh....one who supports literal terrorism. His political views are not one of his more attractive qualities.

Still, it's him.

I can forgive some political silliness. A lot of lefties support terrorist groups. They think it makes them edgy. Larping as revolutionaries. Whatever. Everybody does what they gotta do to feel like they're doing some shit in life.

I argue with him. Tell him exactly what I think of CFC. "They blew up a mall to protest a pet store. They didn't save those animals. They killed them. Violence is wrong. I don't support any group that condones or engages in violence."

One thing I've never tried to do is change myself to be more attractive to him. In fact, I've done the opposite. Waved around and advertised everything about myself that might make me unappealing to him. I love Jordan Peterson. I have a double-digit body count. I've never met my dad. I've been hospitalized for mental health issues. I have a femdom kink. Literally no men are into that. See, nothing here to be attracted to. I'm old as well. Nearly thirty. Covered in acne. I was a bully in middle and high school. Shy, squirrely little thing like him....He was bullied in school. It's written all over him. He wouldn't find someone who was the cause of that trauma for someone else (many someone elses) attractive. He wouldn't find a conservative attractive. He wouldn't find me attractive.

That's probably true....probably true....and still the question picks at my heart: why in the fuck is he still in my discord?

A month passes and I don't confront him. I don't tell anyone.

I'm still checking his website. It's enjoyable again.

I'm being creepy again, but I don't much care now, because so is he. I'm watching him and he's watching me. I only wish I knew what it meant. It doesn't mean what you want it to. I tell myself that again and again. But every time I see that avatar lit up, showing that he's online, it's all I can do to keep my heart from speeding out of my chest.

Two months pass. There's no meat in the grocery stores. Bread is iffy, but I'm usually able to snag a loaf if I go early in the day, when the first delivery trucks come. One of the items that the store's never running low on is ensures.

Those nutrition shakes-sold over in the pharmacy section-were almost the only thing I could eat, back when I was recovering from my disordered eating. The doctors called it anorexia. But that makes no sense. I didn't lose all of that weight to be skinny. I never felt fat. I just forgot to eat. I forgot to eat for long stretches of time. I was so sad and anxious and angry all the time...Too many emotions filled me up and they didn't leave any room for hunger. By the time my family realized I was hovering around eighty-five pounds, eating was very tricky. I threw up most food. Anything I managed to get down, even just a few cheerios, would have my stomach aching and rolling. I was dizzy and tired all the time, but felt worse when I tried to eat. That's where ensures came in. Those shakes helped me put the weight back on. And after landing in the ER with heart palpitations, it became clear that I had to put the weight back on.

With meat and bread so scarce and most other aisles a crapshoot most days, I stock up on ensures. That shelf is always untouched and two ensures is a whole ass meal.

Three months pass. Whenever the_most is online, I stare at the icon. I try to work up the nerve to talk to him...to flirt with him? No. No no no. He's an emotionally-vulnerable man. Don't fuck with him. Don't mess with his head. I tell this to myself again and again. I'm too much of a wreck. I'll damage him in some way. He's too precious. I could never trust myself with him.