DESIRE- h.moskowitz

Chapter 11

I awoke in the morning and let out a groan knowing I'd have to face another day on this earth. I'm not having suicidal thoughts anymore I'm just so exhausted and annoyed all the time that it's kind of becoming concerning.

I grabbed my phone turning the alarm off and headed to my dressers. I rummaged through my drawers trying to find a decent looking shirt. I eventually found an old Nirvana t-shirt that I'd had for going on three years now. I brought the shirt over my head and put on a pair of red and black skirt and tucked my shirt underneath it.

I never really dressed like a pretty girl because I guess I never really felt like one, but although I hate to admit it I looked fairly pretty.
I headed to the bathroom turning my straightener on and did my makeup to let it heat up. I was always surprisingly good at eyeliner which is a shocker considering that I shake so much but I really focus when I do it so I guess that self- explanatory.

I winged my eyeliner perfectly before putting black eyeshadow on my waterline, the one time I did actually put eyeliner on my waterline I ended up having blurry vision in one eye the whole day so needless to say I'm not doing that again. I opened my mascara bottle and lightly brushed it over my eyelashes before closing it up again.

I straightened my hair and went to go wake Miguel up. He groaned getting out of bed.

" do we seriously have to go to school today" Miguel said in a raspy voice.

I chuckled " yes, miggy as much as I hate the school we can't miss anymore days"

~~~~~~~

School was pretty boring today I guess you can say, we really didn't do much in any of our classes.

I sat down at the lunch table sitting beside Miguel while eli and Demetri sat infront of us.

" you gonna eat that?" Demetri said pointing at my tray. I shook my head no and pushed my tray towards the sarcastic boy.

As I looked over my eyes met those grey ones. Those grey ones I had been lying to myself about for weeks now. Those grey ones who belonged to the boy who's touch I melted at when his hand brushed against mine, or not knowingly bumping into me then quickly saying a "sorry" thinking I was annoyed. I mean I am annoyed but never with the boy with the grey eyes, eli moskowitz.

God damnit those grey eyes. The pull me towards him like a magnet I know that sounds cheesy and coming from me it is, but I'm truly and utterly consumed by this boy and He didn't even know. He's filled this empty hole in me I didn't even know I had untill I met him. He knew just the right words to say when I feel like I'm on the verge of offing myself again and again.

I had been so lost in those grey eyes for so long now that i literally had been staring at him for 6 minutes now.

" stare much" Demetri said pulling me out of my lovestruck gaze sarcastically.

" fuck" I groaned allowing my head to fall back cursing myself mentally.

" kens? You alright?" Miguel stated.

My breathing started getting heavier and heavier my mind cursing myself with thoughts. Damnit it's happening again.

" it's happening again Miggy" I said beginning to shake vigorously.

Seriously in school come the fuck on Kenzie get it together, I cursed to myself .

My vision went blurry as my mind filled with thoughts

"He'd never love you"

"Make it stop" I said hot tears streaming down my face as I felt someone help me up out of the chair and led me out of the cafeteria.

"Come on he'd never love someone so broken and messed up like you"

" you've never been enough, and you never will be enough"

" please" I choked out a sob.

" hey, listen to me deep breaths. In and out" a soft voice said.

My body released from its tense pressure knowing who that soft voice was. It was Eli. I could hear that voice from a mile away and know who it was.

These thoughts raced through my mind a good three more times before I calmed down. I looked at him confusingly he must of known what I was questioning in my mind.

" I have bad panic attacks like that too, my mom taught me breathing exercises" he said in a low soft but raspy voice.

I looked up at the boy with glossy eyes and muttered a " thank you" before going back to his chest. We laid there for a couple minutes before the bell rang telling us to get to class.

And if it's possible at the moment I felt more cared about than I possibly ever could.

A/n- okay I know this isn't following the storyline at all but I wanted to go into more depth about how she feels about Eli and her panic attacks

( I'm not that good at wiring stuff like this so please forgive me if it's horrible)