Fractured [SHAWN MENDES]

~65~

Taryn didn't want to get out of bed. She could hear Julie in the kitchen and needed to wait until she left for work before venturing out of her room. Last night had been embarrassing, and she knew her roommate would give her more pitying looks.

"I'm gonna be honest here. When songwriters write songs, they aren't always about their lives. Sometimes you just write a song that has lyrics that you hope people can relate to and a tune that everyone thinks is unique."

In hindsight, it was foolish of her to assume that the love song Shawn had just released was about her. He'd never explicitly said that, so she shouldn't have jumped to that conclusion. It really hurt, however, to hear him tell the world that she wasn't worthy of a song.

She'd watched the interview with Julie, which was a mistake. They weren't super close, so Taryn couldn't open up to her about how she felt, and Julie's silence was worse than if she'd just come out and said that his response was terrible. When he clarified that Winter was why he wasn't writing songs about her, she wanted to throw a brick at her computer.

"I don't think I explained what I meant very well. I love my girlfriend, and the song is about falling in love, so obviously it relates to her. I'm just to a point where I don't want to assign specific people to my songs because I got burned by that before. One of the things that is hardest about this comeback attempt is that I have dozens of songs about a person who isn't in my life anymore and who I'm forever connected to because of what I did."

How generous of him to say it related to her, even if their love wasn't the actual inspiration. He should have just said, "I don't love Taryn as much as I loved Winter so my songs are all make-believe." She hated herself for doubting his love, but she also hated herself for believing he loved her as much as she loved him. The signs had been there for months, and the biggest red flag was that he didn't want to live together. Sometimes she wondered if they were headed towards the end of their relationship and if there was anything they could do to save it.

Shawn had called her after the video was put on YouTube and apologized right off the bat for being awkward about both her and the song. She was too sad to get into a fight about it, so she changed the subject and told him that she'd been rejected by one of the bank loans she'd applied for.

When she heard the front door shut, she dragged herself out from under her comforter and went into the bathroom. Her reflection was frightening, and she needed to put some cold compresses on her eyes or else her mom would know she'd been crying. After she did that and made a cup of coffee, she called Amber's office to see if she could see her a couple days early, but she got a recorded message that her therapist was on vacation and any emergencies would be handled by another counselor in the practice. There was no point to seeing someone new, so she hung up.

After showering and chugging a second cup of coffee, Taryn got dressed. She was fumbling for her keys in her purse when her phone started to buzz. "Please don't be Shawn," she muttered as she pulled it out of the side pocket. It wasn't him, but it was a bank. "Hello?"

"Ms. McAllister? This is Helena Northam from HSBC. I'm calling regarding your loan."

"Hi. Thank you for getting back to me."

"Unfortunately I don't have good news. I love your business model and I think it's financially sound, but the loan manager wouldn't approve it because you have no assets."

Disappointment flooded her body. "I thought this type of loan didn't require a down payment because it's so small."

"Even though the loan doesn't require money down, you still need to have collateral. My advice to you is to save up as much money as you can, and reapply in a couple years," Helena said.

"That's what the other bank said."

"I imagine that it's what every bank will tell you. Again...I'm very sorry. I wish I had better news."

After they said goodbye, Taryn stood by the door fighting the urge to cry. Her eyes were only mildly puffy at this point, and she needed to be at the bar in twenty minutes. She took a deep breath and steeled herself for the long shift at work.

******

Shawn walked to where he'd parked his car in the long-term lot, phone in hand in case Taryn replied to his text. It was her day off from work, and he'd messaged her when he landed to let her know he'd be home soon so that she could head over to his condo. It had been a long draining week, and the thought of hugging her was the only thing motivating his feet to keep moving. She still hadn't replied after he tossed his luggage in the trunk and got situated behind the wheel. He hoped she was driving to his place and couldn't respond, though a nagging voice in his head kept saying that she'd been off ever since his interview with Zach last week and that she was ignoring him on purpose. Right after it aired, there'd been a lot of speculation on the internet that they weren't solid and that she was just a rebound, which he was sure she'd seen.

When he got home, Taryn wasn't there. He put his stuff in his room and called her, and thankfully she picked up right away.

"Hi. I just got your text. I was at the store," she said.

"That's okay. You coming over?"

"I just need to put away these groceries and take a shower. Oh, and I need to empty the dishwasher since Julie did it last time. I should be there in an hour."

It hurt him slightly that she knew what time his flight was arriving and didn't make an effort to get all her stuff done earlier. "Okay. I'll be here."

A little over an hour later, she let herself into his condo and found him in the kitchen making a pot of green tea. He looked tired and there was a sadness to his eyes that he used to have all the time, back when she first met him. "How was LaLa Land?" she asked as she approached him.

Before answering, he wrapped his arms around her and held on tightly. "Not great. I'm getting no enjoyment from the promotional hoops I have to jump through."

"Don't take this the wrong way, but I could sense that from the interviews. I'm not sure that your average fan is getting the same vibe, but it's clear to me."

"Fuck. I hoped it wasn't that obvious," he murmured into her hair.

She stepped out of the hug. "It did get better after Zach Sang. That one was tough to listen to." She'd promised herself that she'd open the door to having a conversation about how his responses had made her feel. Even if she hadn't had a session with Amber, she knew it's what the therapist would say to do.

Shawn sighed. "I know. I fumbled that one badly. I know there's been some ugly crap out there because of it."

Taryn helped herself to some tea and took it to the couch where he joined her. "I don't give a fig about what anyone who doesn't know us is saying, but I need to ask you something, and I need you to be honest. Have any of the songs you've written been about me?"

He took a second to gather his thoughts. "I've never sat down and said to myself, 'I want to write a song about how much I love Taryn,' but obviously songs about love reflect how I feel about being in love."

"But you intentionally wrote a ton of songs about Winter?"

"I did and look what happened. I regret every single song that I wrote about her. I don't know how I'm going to get up on stage to perform them twelve months from now."

Taryn cocked her head. "You have dates for the tour?"

"Tentative ones, yeah. The song is doing surprisingly well and Capitol is eager to move forward. It looks like I'll be on the road from March to September next year," he explained.

"That's a really long time for you to be away."

Something about the way she said this made his heart sink.