Coming to Terms

Chapter 12 Relapse

I let out a loud cry as the cold sharp blade touches my pale fragile skin. I notice as I continue to cut and the deeper I go the pain seems to go numb.

Wow

I've never felt so alive and so power before. Even catching bad guys and cuffing them doesn't compare to this. To the thrill of this, the adrenaline. I feel powerful.

I put the blade down on my coffee table but soon realize that I'm not going to be able to stop. The moment I put it down my power faded and my adrenaline that was overwhelming my body has gone down. My heart is still beating so fast I think it might come out of my chest. The cuts had made the searing pain turn into a dull ache. The cuts themselves didn't actually hurt that bad, more than they used to since it's been so long. But still not as much as when I first started.

The dull ache was actually kind of peaceful. It was comfortable. When you feel this kind of hatred for yourself for so long it doesn't seem so bad, you get used to it. It's always nice to have it dull down though.

Pain is a powerful thing. If you can stand a lot of pain people look up to you. They want to be like you. They know that you have a power they don't. I wish I could stand the pain. People may thing I can stand it, on the outside I look like every other person. I guess I do on the inside too, if we're being literal. If not I look nothing like most people on the inside. Not everyone survives what I've gone through. Honestly I'm not sure how I've survived this long.

Maybe I don't want to survive anymore.

I mean surviving isn't living it's just being there. It's the difference between being alive and just breathing versus feeling alive and loving every breath you take.

I need to call someone.

Is the first thought that comes to mind when I see that I unconsciously put the blade to the beginning of my arm. It wasn't just there like normal, it was vertical.

My brain instantly starts fighting with itself. I swear sometimes I think there's more than one person in my head.

I could do it

Y/n don't do it, people care about you

Oh please like

Like Spencer and Em

NO

Y/n

No she doesn't care you know she doesn't care

Y/n you knew this was going to be difficult for both of you

She did not have to leave me why don't you understand that!

I know she didn't, but she did and you know she will be back she's just upset

No she won't come back she hate me she hates me oh god I made her hate me no no no

I was fighting with my brain and I didn't realize I went from thinking things to saying them out loud.

"NO NO NO SHE CANT HATE ME NO" I sob as I start hitting my hands on my head. Forgetting I held a blade in my right hand until I felt the blood fall down my face.

I wish I could say that I care, but I don't.

I know I need to call someone before I do something that I can't reverse. I'm not sure if I want to go that fair yet. I know I miserable but I don't know if I want it to end yet. I'd like to believe I still have a chance at happiness.

I pick up my phone and try to call Emily one last time. Once again I get her voicemail.

"H-hey Emily I just want you to know how sorry I really am." I let out a sob and immediately cover my mouth with my hand. I'm not trying to make her feel bad I just want her to understand.