Zara

chapter 23

She sighed. Dammit. "Sil, it was nothing. I just woke up and everything about my new situation got too overwhelming, it was like the walls were closing in on me, and I panicked. I am sorry-"

"Why do you lie so much?" He suddenly spoke, cutting her rambling off. He turned to watch her with narrowed eyes,"Why? I am convinced that in a day you speak more lies than you speak the truth. What are you so afraid of?"

She froze, her mouth suddenly drying up. Why was he talking like that? What was she afraid of? Why had his tone changed? Where had she slipped?

"Are you afraid of us judging you? Of us being disgusted if you ever once tell the truth? You know that life is too short to be running away from your problems yet you are the one who fails to confront them."

She was scared of herself. Of her own reaction. Of her state worsening if she ever said those words out loud. Of her becoming harsher on herself than she already was.

Of her finally falling over the edge.

Lie lie lie. People don't bat an eye if you give them the answer they need. If you be honest, half of the time they leave or be too busy to be bothered with it. You aren't supposed to be honest outside the four walls of your therapist's office.

People don't ask you 'how are you?' to actually know your state. They ask it to hear an 'I'm fine.'

That's what her mentality had been shaped to in the past four years. She can't change now. It was like taking off her armour and exposing her wounded soul to the world for them to destroy it once again.

"I don't-" She tried to deny something they both knew was the truth. It was like saving your plane when the engines had already burned off.

"So you expect me to believe that you got a job just because it's your hobby? That you got that scar because of your clumsiness? That you had no nightmare that triggered the panic attack?" He questioned, his gaze burning the side of her head.

Her eyes widened but she didn't turn to meet his'. She couldn't do that. How did he know?

"Don't think we don't notice, because we do. We might be less observant than you but we aren't that bad. We just choose what to address and what not to." Sil commented dryly.

She ran a hand through her knotted hair,"Sil, it's not that simple. Nothing is ever simple. I have told you this before and I am telling you again, the best thing you can do is wait."

"Zara-"

"Even I am waiting, Sil. I am waiting for me to accept myself. I am also tired of all of this. You have known me for two weeks and you are already frustrated. I have been doing this for years now. It's not fair but it's life."

No one has been as harsh on me as I have been on myself.

"I am not frustrated. I am worried." He spoke gently, holding her hand,"I may not know why you lie or why you try to hide something obviously large that impacted your life but Zara, it hurts. When you care about someone, their silence hurts." He whispered the last words.

Her heart clenched. What did the world want from her? It beat her for speaking up and bashed her for staying quiet. What. Did. It. Want?

"But Zara, you should know this." He continued,"It would never get easier if you keep it inside. We are humans and we need other people, no matter what others say. And we are more than willing to help. We are willing to share your load."

But what about when you will let go? She wanted to scream, then what? She had barely managed to piece herself together last time. She wasn't sure she would be able to again.