Heart Strings

041

Slowly Kyle pulled away without removing his hand from around my waist and the one curled around my neck softly massaging my tense muscles as we stared at each other directly in the eyes and only a few inches apart.

The hues of his hazel eyes boring deeply into mine had my senses alert on a different level. The way he looked at me, an emotion of longing that swept through his features, so much passion, and so much different from the way he ever did before and the finger that slid down my collar veins made my blood pump a little faster than normal.

His eyes drifted down steadily till his burning gaze was resting on my lips that instinctively part from the attention it was getting, and somehow I really wanted him to deep his head a little bit and cover the remaining little space between us. Somehow I really, really did want him to kiss me and I know he was thinking the exact same thing.

But he didn't. Instead he pulled away from me completely, all physical contact gone. Then he muttered underneath his breath in a forced pitch that looked like it took him a lot to swallow. "You should go to bed. You need rest."

And now that I sit in bed replaying the memory in my head I can't help but feel embarrassed. I definitely could have handled that better. 'Or maybe I should have kissed him?....No!'

I groan lightly and let my head collide with the headboard before sitting up and dragging both my hands down my face.

'I need a night walk.'

So I put on my slippers and hoping no one was still out and awake, make my way to the bedroom door but stop abruptly on my tracks when a thought crosses my mind.

I turn around, my eyes focused on the top of my bed cupboard and sitting right there are the keys I never thought I was going to have to use. I need an escape and right now, it's just the perfect place.

The air feels so good on my skin as I walk down the streets with my hands in my jean pockets that I never bothered changing after all the tension today. It is colder tonight and the howling of the wind that slaps on my skin even through my black sweatshirt is comforting in a pleasant way. I take the risk of closing my eyes while walking alone on the road side for just a brief second before opening my eyes to the reality before me.

And frankly I have no idea how long I keep walking but only until I am standing in front of my destination am I suddenly aware of my surroundings.

It's just as I remember, the small building sitting between a yoga studio and an ice cream parlor where she'd usually partnered to throw giveaways for loyal customers. The cream and pink panted walls that although look rather old but are still inviting to me and a small smile creeps up my face when I allow my gaze to wonder a little higher and stop at the big calligraphy at the top of the building that reads "Katie's sweets".

Although the reflection of moonlight is rather mocking and denying of a decent view of the bright font colors from the introductory invitation of the building, I know this place like the back of my hand and I know how much I'd pestered my mum about removing that much color from the front, telling her continually how uncool and uninviting it was but I know now that was a heedless statement.

The doors are sealed with a chain and a big lock in exception of the normal default door lock which put a slight frown to my face, but then I notice there are more than two keys to the small bunch in my hands so I try them all till I'm taking off the seal and then unlocking the nob.

Despite the state of denial I have subjected myself to all this while, I admit to myself tonight, right here in front of my mother's bakery that yes even though it's not as much as I please, Andrew does know me. He knew I was going to change my mind in visiting this place, he knew that sometime whenever, I would need to bash myself in the comfort of an old home to me. A place I'd normally come around to sub whenever I had a terrible day.

And now here I am.

I let out a light sigh as I invite myself into the bakery and I'm greeted by the smell of dust.

Just like I thought, it hasn't been visited for months, probably since the day it was sealed which is probably not long after she left.

I trail my fingers down in a line on the cold and dusty work slab till I'm standing behind the counter and sliding down to the ground on my bum. My legs spread in disoriented positions and my arms are no better with my head leaning on the supporting concrete behind me.

I shut my eyes, deciding not to dwell too much on the painful thoughts this time but the bright ones. The happy ones that brings about an unconscious smile on my lips.

I don't think about Andrew, nor Caroline, or Kyle. I think about my mother but this time I don't see the pain in her eyes while struggling to survive on a hospital bed, I see a beaming woman, I see a woman who adored her kids to the point she'd risk anything for them because to her, Kyle was also her kid.

I see her smile and the beauty in her eyes when she looks at me, I feel the softness of her lips pressed against my temple and her hands smoothen my hair when they'd get scattered by the white kids who always judged me for being a half breed.

I hear her addictive laugh and feel her arms cage me in her embrace, and finally...

Finally I'm able to drift out of Consciousness and into a sweet and sound slumber.

*****
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Jessie.