Heart Strings

041

The worst torture that teenagers could subject themselves to is dwelling deep into their thoughts. It eats you up, chews you slow and swallows you whole till all you want left is to blow up into limbo and disappear from the world. From all the pain, the headache, the heartaches, the confusion, the frustration, you just want to let it go.

But right now I'm not sure of what I want anymore.... I don't think I ever did.

With the words of my long time childhood friend dancing around my ears and the memory of a few minutes ago replaying in my memory over and over again, I finally decide to stop trying to get comfortable on my bed because sleep is the last thing that could happen right now.

It was the depth that I saw in his soul through the mirror of his eyes, the transparency and fraction of ache that clouded his facial features when he spilled out those words. Not a vent of anger but one of frustration.

'I'm fucking in love with you.'

I shut my eyes tightly and watch the scene unfold in my memory yet again.

It had to be the first time in how far back my memory could go that I'd seen him looking that vulnerable. The gloss in his eyes and the red flush on his face that spread down the bottom of his ears made him look a lot younger than he is. His fingers twitched and he moved his arms around as if unsure of where to place them.

His throat bumped, swallowing heavily he sucked in a deep breath and kept his eyes fixated on the ground "Is that what you wanted to hear?" His voice was soft and barely audible but clear enough for me. "I..."

I have always been the one to shed oceans from my eyes, never him, never Kyle because he has always been the tough one. Always been the strong one, always been the one to rob my hair and bitch talk about anyone that made me shed even just a little tear to the point it becomes a joke, and watching him, right at that moment blink out wondering sweat from his eyes had me going weak and my knees trembling.

It was all new and strange to me, watching my personal rock crack before me.... because of me.

"Kyle....."

I almost didn't recognize my voice, it left my lips sounding so fragile and mostly at an unrecovered state of shock.

"Don't." His gaze met mine, the emotion in his eyes sing a different song than the one I'm quite used to "I just..." He sighs "I think this is good. There's just so long I could have tried to keep it from you anyway... but it's okay Lex" his lips curve up so very slightly into a painful but meaningful smile "It's okay not to say anything."

With that I broke the seal in my throat with an ugly cry-like-scoff-like-cough-like-moan that screeches off my lips.

And despite everything that just happened, despite just confessing his feelings for me that aren't being returned, despite obviously hurting, still the moment I seemed like I couldn't handle much anymore he pulled me into his arms, holding me tightly as I let out the ugly noisy tears on the comfort of his chest.

I stud there holding him like he would disappear with so much as just a slip of my fingers, asking my self what the fuck I did to deserve him in my life. Why the fuck my tear glads are being uncontrollable tonight, Why the fuck I was being too emotional and making this all about myself, but I know he also needed this just as much as I did.

With the way he held on tightly to me, reciprocating my clingy gestures just as even, holding me so closely that I could barely breathe but yet I didn't want to let go and neither did he.

My tears had died down into subtle sniffs and somehow my breathing had calmed, I wanted to say something... anything, maybe check up on him to show that I did care about how he feels but I know how stupid that would have sounded so I kept my lips sealed.