Intoxicated

Chapter Twenty One

I don't know what to do. Jace had to compose himself before going downstairs. I ended up dabbing his face with cold water to take the red puffiness from his eyes away. He was too broken down to do it himself - even so, I'm surprised he let me. I'm surprised I did it, after all he's done to me. Maybe sorrow is stronger than hatred.

I've never seen someone so destroyed. And that's saying a lot considering when my mother died, Dad was a mess, and so was I. Then Alex died, which is bad enough, and now with all of this? To find out it was more than an accident? That it was a terrible, twisted game of jealousy and hate that lead to all of this?

I stare at myself in the mirror, combing a bit of knotty hair with my fingers. Hate truly is stronger than anything, except for grief. Both of them so different yet so alike in their ultimate destruction. With a deep sigh, I shrug on my puffer jacket and head downstairs. If anything, I'm just glad Dad didn't walk in.

I'm not sure what'd be harder to explain - some random boy and me making out over homework notes or some random boy sobbing relentlessly. I have no idea what I would've come up with. You probably wouldn't. You'd just stand there, frozen and not sure what to say or do as per usual.

Believe me, I'm working on it.

"Hey Dad," I say as I step into the kitchen, where he holds his fiftieth coffee of the day in his hand. He hasn't really moved from there since Jace showed up. "I'm just going over to Alex's house. They said I could go through his stuff. I'll be back soon to take Nugget on a walk when I get back."

His brows raise a little. "Oh okay," he replies, something shifting in his face. "Er, have fun. And uh, don't worry about the dog. I'll walk him. You just get back soon, okay? Remember we have them over for dinner tomorrow."

I nod slowly, but I'm not really listening. What the fuck am I going to do about all of this? "Okay, Dad. See ya' soon."

He says goodbye as I race out the door and onto the sidewalk, my heart and mind following. A car whizzes past. Gasping, I flinch to the side. "Jesus." I say, breathless all of a sudden. Do people not know how to drive?

I bury my shaky hands in the warm, fluffy pockets of my puffer jacket. The only thing giving me the slightest bit of comfort right now. I don't know what I'm going to do. Jace doesn't want me to tell the cops. Not even because he'd get in trouble, but because Sadie would. She was the one who drugged him, after all, meaning to drug me. And even though Jace hit him and drove off, it's kind of strange to think that he'd go to such lengths for someone. For Sadie. All because he loved her.

Even if he showed it in his own controlling, fucked up way. He does care. I guess he just doesn't know how to show it. One thing he and Sadie have in common. Still, why on earth would Sadie settle for him? He might not be that bad, or at least - he isn't devoid of consideration, but still. Sadie is well, Sadie - everything a girl can only wish to be; pretty, smart, talented, assertive, social and nice.

Just not to me.

I feel like I'm trespassing. Yet I've been over to Alex's house countless times. Except he's always been here. Taking a deep breath - mainly because I'm out of it from walking - I knock on the door. The sound reverberates inside my head and I wince. Why can't there be a silent knock system? I ask myself, before realising that'd defeat the point. At least a quieter one would be nice. Because I might as well be slamming my head on their door it's that loud.

Within a few seconds, it opens.

Mrs. Reagan greets me with her usual wide, warm grin. "Hi sweetie," she gushes, stepping aside so I can enter. "It's nice to see you. How are you?"