Desolation [h.s]

Chapter 19

It's exhausting to relive the same things over and over again, playing on a constant loop in your memories. Pushing it down only helps so much. I guess there was a time where you just needed to grow up and deal with it but I was never one to handle my own problems and emotions.

Emotions and I don't mix well though.

It's like trying to oil and water together, it's just never going to happen.

Years of repressing your feelings will do that to you.

I've come to find that it benefits in this field of work. Lowers the chances of growing attached to people, saving you from the world of hurt if they were to slip from your fingers like grains of sand on the beach.

Rather, it's comforting now and I've grown used to being what people would call emotionless. I see no problem in that. Sure there were instances where condolences were in order and a little sympathy could be of use but I've given more than enough of that throughout my life.

Actually, looking at it now, I see human emotions as gateways and summaries of a person.

When someone lets their emotions rule them, that's when you really see them for who they are. Whether that be anger, sadness, love, hate, or happiness, you learn more about them. How they handle it, the things that trigger them to feel that way and experience those emotions.

I suppose that's why I've always enjoyed watching people. Not in the creepy stalker way but more of observing them and the mere second I see them pass by.

It's fascinating to watch strangers and get such vital and personal information from the small twitch of an eye or falling of the face, seeing a part of them that allowed them to show their true selves.

Emotions are like a deck of cards. There is multiple of each number and face card but each has a different variation. You have the hearts, diamonds, clubs, and spades, all of them different from the next but share a common number.

Emotions are similar in that sense.

You have the basic emotions but then you have the deeper ones that chain from those. Rage is intense anger, grief is unbearable sadness or sorrow, excitement comes from joy which is from happiness and so on.

It's all just a playing card and you decide which one you want to play at the moment or which ones you want to keep to yourself and hidden.

Like poker.

You put up a front, keeping your cards as close to you as you can. Some who can't handle the pressure of hiding their hand fold when they feel at risk. Yet there are others that stick it out, keeping a collected and calm facade until the final moments.

It's all just a game of who can hide the truth and last the longest.

I've kept my hand close to my chest for years and I don't plan on folding it anytime soon. I have no reason to, no risk.

Too many times I've watched people breakdown, one second there and then the next they're gone.

Even if they promised.

That's another thing I've learned, people don't keep their promises. They break them like it's nothing. I used to be a person who held promises close to their heart, now I see that those two words mean nothing when said.

They're two silly little words that truly mean nothing. I don't make promises with anyone anymore.

With my right hand, my fingers raised to my necklace has I toyed with the silver ring that hung from the chain, a gentle frown painted across my face.