Problem Solving

"maybe happy"

Even my sister's attached to her, I must be.

"She's lovable. You are too" she kisses my head then gets up "I'll see you in a bit. I'll be back here by about half one so if... you know.."

I don't get what she's hinting at for a second but then I do - sex.

"What? Oh.. No I don't think you'll have to worry about that" I reassure "We might go out.. depending on whether or not she hates me"

"Would you stop that? Why would she hate you for how you feel? I bet she feels it too"

"We've talked a bit, but.." I start.. she doesn't get it. "never mind. I'll tell you how it goes I guess."

"Good. I have my phone if you need me"

"Okay, drive safe. Thank you by the way" I say. Sometimes she makes me feel like a little girl. Right now is one of those times.

"You're welcome, I suppose. I love you" she tells me. She's always so genuine when she tells me that. I hope she feels that I reciprocate the genuineness.

"I love you too. See you later"

"See you in a bit, darling.." she leaves and shuts my door half way. She knows that's how I like it.

I lay back on my bed and just breathe. I stay there until I hear Laf leave out of the front. I can't think straight if I'm not alone.

I need to phone Lizzy. I'm sure this is all in my head. We agreed that we'd just avoid it until we couldn't anymore. I even suggested that. Why's it so hard to stick to it?

I grab my phone and call her before I can pussy out. As always she answers immediately

"Hey" I say, wishing my heart wasn't beating so fast. Calm down.

"Hey baby" I hear her soothing voice. If she's calling me baby, she can't hate me so much, right? "How's it going?"

"I miss you.." I pause a second "you don't hate me, do you?"

"I don't think so" she kinda laughs. It's so comforting. "Why'd you ask that?"

"Just making sure. My dad went home last night so if you come over you have my undivided attention. Lafina's out too."

"Am I invited?"

"You're always invited. I don't enjoy anyone's company more than yours" I tell her. I seem to be playing it very cool.

"I feel the same about you baby. Give me five minutes to get dressed and then I'll be over"

"You know... you don't have to be dressed.." I flirt with her, she laughs

"Stop, save that for when I'm over. I'll see you soon baby. I don't hate you"

"I don't hate you either. Drive safely" I tell her

"I will. See you in ten minutes" she says, then ends the call.

I feel relieved that she doesn't hate me. I'm still surprised she isn't being distant though. I bet she's thinking a lot about her sexuality lately.

I should ask her.

And maybe I should tell her about London. I can't imagine how she'll react though, and that scares me.. It's a big thing to drop on someone.

I tidy up around my room before she comes because it irritates me seeing things I could've done and not having done them beforehand. Like being with her and seeing something not tidied away. Something like a pen, small but noticeable.