𝐁𝐄𝐂𝐀𝐔𝐒𝐄 𝐈 𝐆𝐎𝐓 𝐓𝐀𝐆𝐆𝐄𝐃 || ᶠᵘˡˡ ᵒᶠ ˢʰⁱᵗᵉᵘˢ~

idk

Do spams mean everything?

And time don't?

Is "I love you" or "I care for you" a joke?

Does it make a difference when an irl person says it or when a virtual person says it?

If it does, then these words are surely a joke.

We use them just for the sake of using them.... don't we?

Yes, sometimes I use it just for the sake of using them, because it doesn't even have a meaning... it has importance just in reality and TV...

Don't you agree?

For me, they mean alot.... I've been hearing these from just a few countable people,  and I believe in them...

Sometimes it may seem that I am really stupid who doesn't really understand things because of 'some stuff'

I agree I am though... I literally believe in everyone blindly, anyone can fool me and I'd never even get to know about it....

No one never really counselled me.. I still don't know certain things. This is (maybe) the reason I seem weak?

I know virtual people as well as (some) irl people don't like certain kind of rants, while some people take these as lies or just y'know "seeking sympathy"?

I myself don't know what am I writing or what am I thinking.... idk just...

Okay I am just scared. 

Of things

It might be just hormones?

Maybe?

I get nightmares nowadays.  The actual same nightmare everytime.

Something happens to me in the nightmare.  Is it a vision? Is it real?

I can't tell what is this 'something' now cause I'd have to be shameless then.. no

(I know I sound sick, but I am not, and I am fully aware)

You might be overreacting, hallucinating? Overthinking?

This thing is gonna happen to me sooner or later.

I feel scared of being left alone in my own room. 

You need a psychiatrist?

I don't even feel like studying,  or playing games, or even singing...

I want to die, but I'll not do anything. I'll just wait.

You have lost your mind!

I was a sweet,  bubbly,  a cheerful little girl. Look at me! I was so happy! I would run around while having a helmet on my head thinking I have disappeared and nobody could see me then, I would keep smiling like any other child. I would keep pranking my lovely ones!

Look at me now

I am always sad, suicidal,  negative. I know it is because of my own self, because I think like this.  I always cry and tolerate like cowards. Mom says that I don't have any power to face anything,  I mean she is right..

I do have fun time with my friends.  But that still doesn't make any difference....

I can't even freely walk in my own house.  Because I am scared.

Hahaha did you get an appointment with a ghost?

I such a developed country,  I don't have courage to walk freely on streets?

I don't know...

I don't need fake people.
I don't need people who do fake promises.
I don't need people who spam me or just say two words to console me. 
Not even irl people. 
I need people who give time to me. 
Who talk to me. For a long time?
Who don't lecture me for all kinds of things.
For me.. time is like every thing for me.
It means a lot. In fact meant alot. 

A glowstick needs to break in order to shine right? Always living like a thug won't help in life right?

It does. It really does.

Wattpad has always given me 2 minutes of happiness and alot of pain.

One thing  that happened to me, and I would always preserve it.  Cherish it till my last breath.  I can't let I go... I'm scared.

Why don't you just delete it? Or forget it?

Memories can't be deleted, can't they? Or can I just bang my head on the wall so I lose brain cells or memory? Nah not being suicidal...

So what?! These things happen with everyone, you're too much!

Dad did a video chat on new year... he told me that I looked skinny,  my mom just reacted with "oh really? She was like this since always" 12 kgs is a joke right?

Why didn't you just sent me to an orphanage? I'd have been happier?

Sometimes I feel like why do I have to care about people. It doesn't give me any kind of satisfaction. Neither does it helps me. So why? Why do I need to cry for people? Those people who are enjoying their lives. Why do I have to become an angel? Why do I have to think about their happiness and well being,  just why?

I have tried y'know.  To be rude. Cold like anyone else. But still I end up crying for other people who don't even care for me.

Why do I have to upset my body because of others. I'd end up being broken one day for sure... I'd lose my vision one day. I'd keep passing out till I totally pass away.

Just get yourself treated! You are gloomy!

I know right! 🙃

Idk when will I be free. When will people accept me the way I am. When will they STOP! Why can't everything be normal again!? Fed up...

I'm sorry idk why I wrote this.  I am just scared spare me I'm sorry. Btw no need to worry I'm fine✌🏻