Make Me Beg [BL]

Chapter 32

Their support, though a bit silent, made me feel worse. To selfishly make myself feel better, I wanted them to blame me, get upset, maybe mad, just anything. But no, of course they were understanding.

"It's just at first, she said." I nervously picked out another thread from my jeans. "And then when I'm used to being.. alone, I can start texting and calling you."

This, apparently, wasn't the right thing to say. They both had similar reactions, somehow subtle and obvious all at once. My ears flattened.

They probably thought what I did. It's going to take more than a week for that to happen. It's been building inside of me for months, maybe even years, this fear of being alone and abandoned. A week doesn't feel like nearly enough.

Rylan hummed softly and nodded. "That's fine." But it wasn't and we all knew it.

I wanted to promise I'd text and call whenever I could, I'll text you as soon as I get home, I wanted to say, but then I'd be lying again. I don't want to lie to them anymore.

I just want to get better. To do that, I can't keep looking for them in every aspect in my life. If we try a long distance relationship, I know I'll still be obsessed with everything about them.

I'll look for any texts every few minutes, I'll leave constant calls, check their location, and always worry about if they're with someone else. Maybe when I'm a little better I'll be able to handle texting them again. But right now, I didn't think I was.

"I want to do it right." I told them quietly. "So then I can get better faster."

Rylan squeezed my ankle. "I know." He pulled back and my heart ached. It was already happening, I realized sadly. No more affectionate touches.

So no, Rylan didn't hug or kiss me goodbye and Kyler didn't hold my hand on the way home. I held my own and tried not to cry.

-

"I'm gonna miss your dog." Lucas pursed his lips and loudly asked Sammy for a kiss. "Just leave him here."

"No." I mumbled while folding a shirt. Neat enough, I dropped it into my suitcase and moved onto the next piece of clothing. "He's coming with me."

"Have you considered rethinking that?"

"No."

The words leave me alone lingered on the tip of my tongue but they were quickly swallowed. I didn't want to be alone, especially not the night before I leave. Somehow, Lucas knew this.

Lucas sat on the floor with Sammy rolled out beside him while they played together. We talked as I folded my clothes and it wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. I was distracted from our break, even just for a few minutes.

"Who knows~ We might get a new roommate."

I frowned at him. "I'm still paying rent while I'm gone."

"Really? Then we'll get double the amount with a new person."

"Kyler wouldn't do that."

"Yeah, yeah." Lucas petted Sammy. "Your boyfriends love you so much~ I know."

I wish, I thought as I pressed another shirt into my suitcase. "..Have you talked to Rylan?"

He hummed softly and nodded. "Can't tell you what he said."

"I wasn't going to ask." I mumbled harshly, but I was.

Lucas threw Sammy's toy and watched him run across the room to fetch it. He was rewarded with a small treat and head pat. "Nothing bad. He just.." Lucas focused on how to word it properly, "feels like you guys broke up."