The Autumn Prince

44. Touching a Dream

"How are you feeling?" Katherine slid next to me on the sofa where I'd been sitting alone, lost in thought.

"Been better," I answered honestly. "It's getting harder to remember details."

"That's normal," she said. "Your mind is healing."

"I don't want to forget. It doesn't seem fair to her."

"You won't ever lose it completely," She said, her voice soft and comforting. "There will always be scars, but you can't keep reliving the worst of it either. It'll take time, but let it fade."

I sighed and leaned back into the cushions. "You know what bothers me the most?"

"Hmm?"

"His cigarettes. Like cheap incense that was left burning too long. If I could choose to forget anything it would be that. Even his smug face isn't as bad as the memory of that smell."

"Odors are powerful triggers."

"I know. Sometimes I wonder if there's a connection between that and a person's anima."

"What, memory and smells?"

"Kind of. If the lights are free will pushing against the Veil, maybe the scents are footprints, like a history of the choices you made."

She laughed, "I doubt my past decisions smell anything like roses."

"It's just an impression. It's not like I can tell what any of it means."

"Maybe you'll figure that out someday."

"I hope not. I don't want to see people like open books, just waiting for me to read them."

"Oh gosh," she rolled her eyes, "I'm not nearly as nice as you are, I'd take that and run with it."

"You already do, you're a psych major."

She sat up and looked at me with a cautious grin. "Was that—did you just razz me?"

"Maybe."

She kissed me lightly on the cheek. "Good. You can have that one for free, but I'm returning fire next time." I took her hand and held it tight. I adored her. She wasn't flawless, she was simply much braver than I was.

"I'm sorry we didn't—you know," I said. She understood immediately what I meant and squeezed my hand in return.

"Have sex? I told you I wasn't going to push it," she told me. "I might try to get you comfortable with the idea, maybe get you to want it as much as I do, but I don't want to make you do something you're not ready for."

"I can't look at life that way or I won't get off this couch. I'm not ready for anything, Katherine, and I don't think I ever will be."

"Then what are you going to do about it?"

"Hedge my bets. I have access to an advanced medial lab that's run by one of the best scientific minds in academia. I want to start looking for a cure."

Katherine didn't react the way I'd expected. Instead of encouraging me, she pulled away slightly. "Are you sure that's a good idea?"

"It's the only one I've got. If I can find a way to cure the addiction, you and the others can be free."

"What if I don't want that?"

"Why—"

"Do you want to get rid of me? Of us?"

"Kath, please don't."

She shook her head and patted my hand reassuringly. "I'm not going to argue with you now, it isn't a good time for anyone, but I want you to consider that when you're dreaming up solutions. You can't make decisions for us."