War Has Begun (War Series #1)

Chapter 20

It was inside my head for the next few more days. Kung sila nga, wala naman akong magagawa ro'n. Kung may bago na s'yang magugustuhan, ano naman sa'kin 'yon? It will be his right and his choice. Talaga bang aasa pa rin ako na sa lumipas na taon, ako pa rin ang gugustuhin n'ya? Sinong tanga ang gagawa no'n sa sarili n'ya?

I left him hanging. I left him without giving him an explanation why I started avoiding him. It was reasonable for him to just move on and hate me for it.

Jadon doesn't look like he'd still want someone who rejected him so awfully. Iniwan ka sa ere tapos ay gusto mo pa rin? That isn't Jadon. With his physique and his arrogance, he wouldn't want to get stuck with someone like me.

So for the next few days, I tried my best to avoid any news of him. Nag-focus ako sa pag-aaral lalo pa at madalas ang quizzes namin sa major subject. Mayro'n na kaming law subject--Oblicon--which I am really not into.

Hindi ako masipag magbasa at lalong hindi ako gano'n kabilis maka-pick up ng topics--hindi tulad ng ilan ko pang mga kaklase. It's making my head hurt. Pakiramdam ko, ang mga alam kong tama sa totoong buhay, mali pala kapag batas na ang pinag-uusapan. I thought I can just use my common sense, but these statutes, general rules, and exceptions are proving me wrong.

Akala ko no'ng nasa high school pa ako, iba ako sa mga kaklase ko. I thought I was smart. But ever since I entered college, I'm even questioning my existence. Napapikit ako at napa-buntong hininga habang kaharap ang libro ko naman sa accounting dahil hindi puwedeng sa Oblicon lang ako mag-focus. I need to prioritize my other major subject too.

Just thinking about the sophomore year is taking the life out of me. Sa unang sem no'n, apat ang magiging major subjects ko--all of them are accounting subjects--pagkatapos ay puro major subjects na sa ikalawang sem, nag-iisang minor ang PE. Dito pa nga lang na dadalawa ang major ko, nahihirapan na ako, paano pa sa susunod na taon? 

Isa pa 'yon sa iniisip ko. May quota kaming kailangang sundin sa grades namin lalo na sa major subjects. Kung hindi ko maaabot ang quota, kailangan kong mag-special qualifying examinations na kailangan ko ring maipasa para makaabot ako sa second year.

Aabot ba ako?

Sana.

Please. I've come this far. 

Namuo ang mga luha sa mga mata ko at napayuko ako sa mesa, binabalot ng takot ang dibdib. In times like this... when I was still in senior high school, I always had Jadon to support me.

He'd tell me that he's proud of me... and that I can always try again.

No pressure, he said. Kinagat ko ang labi ko at hindi sinasadyang napahikbi. No pressure, Aiah. If it's yours, walang makakapigil do'n dahil mapapasayo pa rin 'yon. Kung para sa'yo ang isang bagay, dumaan ka man sa malubak na daan, sa dulo, iyo pa rin 'yon.

I pursed my lips and closed my eyes, remembering how Jadon would look at me encouragingly before. How he'd bring me to places I'd enjoy and my heart would feel better instantly. 

But I doubted him because of his principles. I clenched my fist and my heart clenched in pain. May parte ng isipan ko na iniisip kung tama ba ang naging prinsipyo n'ya. At may parte ng isipan kong malabo s'yang sinusuportahan. 

Hindi ko alam kung bakit ganito ang nararamdaman ko. If it was another guy who told me that he loves going with the flow, I'd disagree with him right away. Pero kay Jadon, there's this slight faith peeking inside my heart that he can make it. 

Pakiramdam ko, hindi ko s'ya masuportahan dahil hindi ko maintindihan ang prinsipyo n'ya. Because I am not like that. I cannot grasp the idea of not visualizing what your life could be and how you want it to be.