Back to you

Remedy

There are some days where I feel like no matter where I go or what I do, I always end up feeling the same. I can never run far enough away from who I am and what I've done and I can never escape all that hurts me. My nightmares aren't bad dreams, they're memories. They're my reality and they haunt me. Everything reminds me of something, so it's like there's no escape. You catch a glimpse of hell every time you look into my eyes, but that never scared her away. Hell may be in my head, but I was in heaven with her. She is bliss. She took all my broken pieces and stuck them back together. I may be crazy, but she's my remedy.

. . .

Walking up the front steps to my house for the first time in a year almost felt foreign. I had no idea what to expect when I saw her. What was I going to say? I entertained the idea of calling first, but dismissed it quickly because our renuion needed to be in person. She would want answers and she deserved to get them face to face. I settled on simply knocking because I didn't have a key. I heard footsteps- or was that my heart? I swallowed the lump in my throat and bit back a sob as the door opened and I stood in her presence for the first time in months. The only thing that registered when she flung herself onto me was that I had been deprived of her existence for far too long.

. . .

My Saturday evening consisted of me laying on the couch watching the ID channel in her hoodie, drinking red bull and eating popcorn drenched in pickle juice. I wasn't partial to crime shows, but they reminded me of her. I realize that might sound pathetic because it's been a year now, but it hasn't gotten any easier. I'm not sure if it ever will. A knock at the door brought me out of my thoughts. I stood up confused. The only people that visit me are Taylor and my parents, neither of which knock. They typically just invite themselves inside.

Seeing her standing there I momentarily forgot how to breathe. I then threw myself onto her before my knees gave out. I couldn't stop the sobs that racked my body as I clung to her even if I tried. One look at her and my resolve had completely shattered. I just surrendered. I would ask questions later, right now I just wanted her to hold me. I burried my face in the crook of her neck and breathed her in. She still smelt just like I remembered. A mixture of vanilla, pine and roses.

She walked us inside and sat down on the couch. I pulled myself as close as humanly possible and held on to her like my life depended on it. Her breath on my ear gave me chills. "I missed you so fucking much." Hearing her raspy voice sent shivers down my spine.

"I-I...m-mi-is-sed...y-you...t-to-oo." I choked out.

. . .

She felt so fragile in my arms, like if I made a wrong move she would break and part of me actually thought she might. Her entire body was shaking as her tears mixed with my own.

After some time I felt her breathing even out, so I carried her upstairs to our room. I still assumed it was our room. My biggest fear was coming back to find out it wasn't our home anymore, or that she found someone else. Her reaction to seeing me and the fact that she had on my hoodie and what looks like my acdc shirt extinguished the fear fire in me.

I layed us down on the bed and then went to get up and she immediately tensed and let out a whimper as her grip around me tightened. "I'm just going to change really quick. I'll be right here ok?" She nodded in response and her eyes never left me as I got up and put on some sweatpants and an oversized tshirt. I crawled back in bed and exhaustion finally caught up with me. My eyes felt like dead weights so I allowed them to close and let myself be overcome by sleep.

. . .

Sunlight illuminated the room and cast a glow along her face. My head followed the steady rise and fall of her chest and my ear listened to the beating of her heart. It was the most calming melody I'd ever heard. I shifted so I was in line with her shoulder and lifted up her shirt sleeve to get a closer look at the prominent scar I had noticed last night when she was changing. I traced my finger down its length.

The slight scratch of my nails must've woken her up. No words were needed. The question was clear enough in my eyes. What had caused this? "Steak knife" was all she said. I could tell by her expression there were others.

"Show me." I whispered.

She sat up and pulled her shirt over her head. Three small scars resided on her left side just under her ribcage. "You were shot?" I asked as tears welled up in my eyes. It pained me to think about her going through that.

She wiped them away and weakly smiled. "Yes, but I'm ok now."

. . .

I spent the next few hours telling her everything that happened and answering any questions she had. The only thing I left out was Devon. He stayed in New York to pack all his things. I planned on taking a road trip with Sel to the house and then brining him back with us sometime soon.

"As much as I would like to keep you to myself, we should probably let people know you're back now huh?" She sighed.

"Later. For right now we're going to go downstairs and make ricekrispy treats like old times. Then you're going to make me breakfast while I stare at your ass and eat pickles." I said causing her to laugh.

We got up and went into the kitchen and found supplies. Once we were done I turned on some music and watched her from my spot on the counter as she danced around the stove cooking for me. She caught me staring and smiled shyly then walked over to stand between my legs. I wrapped my arms around her waist as she draped hers across my shoulders.

The temptation was too much, so I leaned in and kissed her. She sighed in content and then let out a whimper when my tounge came in contact with hers. She tasted like mint gum and faintly of popcorn. A breathless moan escaped my mouth as she thread her fingers through my hair where it meets my neck and gave it a gentle tug.

She brought me to a high even drugs could never achieve.