between two worlds ¡ 황현진

014: numbness

  ｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ.

I immediately went back to my room and went through my closet. I'm trying to find the box wrapped in Bojagi. I couldn't find it. No, this can't be. They must have gone into my room and hid it somewhere else. I started to panic, I need the truth. Then I remembered, I hid it somewhere. I went to the top shelve of my closet and found it there. I brought it outside with me and read the letter again. 

To our Hyerin, hopefully, they give this to you when you grow up. Well, um hi. We are your parents, blah, blah, blah. Hyerin Nam, I see some photos of myself with them. I'm surprised they didn't throw this away. I also saw some postcards from Canada. They lived in Vancouver, like my cousin. Vancouver looks so nice, it's probably really fresh there. I went back there, carrying the box with me. There wasn't any food on the table yet, so I placed the box there with a big bang. I opened it and took out the letter. My "dad"'s eyes got bigger. My mom turned around and dropped the wooden spoon in her hand and covered her mouth with her hands. Younghyun had a guilty look. I took out the letter and read the whole thing. I'm sick of this.

"What do you explain about this? To our Haerin,

Hopefully, they give this to you when you grow up. Well, um hi. We are your parents, Nam Donghae and Seo Junghwa. Your mother-" 

"Hyerin let me explain-" She tried to put her hand on my shoulder

"No," I pushed her hand off my shoulder "What else is there to lie about? I've been living under a lie for my whole life, what more do you need to add?! Why did you have to hide it for my whole life?"

"About that..." she hesitated

I'm done. I want to fall on my knees and beg for what happened. With all that's happening at school, problems at home will become worse. I don't think I'll be okay with all of this happening. I just want to forget what happened here and forget everything that happened. That explains everything. My parents don't have photos from back then with friends and other people. Only photos of me and Younghyun and a big family photo on the walls and shelves. I knew about this all along. I get so suspicious of them. 

 They always went to this ceremony without me every year for 10 years. Dead. They were visiting my dead parents for 10 years without me. That also explains that they failed to contact me for a whole decade, I couldn't even see them in person. There was a plane crash 10 years ago and every time they mentioned the victims, my so-called mom would always turn off the T.V. It would always be up on my mind but I didn't mind, I just went with the flow. Now it feels like I kept up with a game or charade.

What does "about that..." mean? That I'll be fed another lie? What if they wrote that letter themselves.

"About what?!" I screamed, "What do I need to know now that-"

"They're dead!" she cut me off

So they're telling me the truth. They're actually dead. So the ceremony they went to every year was for my biological parents. Why did my parents not want me? Why did they move to Canada without me? How can they do this, move to Canada and leave me with my cousin? That's so rude of them. 

They abandoned me and my aunt and uncle fed me for years. They sent me to such a good school and gave me a roof over my head. How could they do this? My real parents left me and moved to Canada. They said that they didn't have enough money to raise me, so how are they able to go to Canada? I have too many questions to ask but I'm broken. I'm hurt. They treated me like their own child. I can't thank them enough. How could they do this? I've never heard or seen my actual parents for my whole life. How could they bring it up? Why did Younghyun bring it up? I want to leave. My cousin tried to calm me down but how do I calm down in this situation, it's helpless.

"Dead." I stated "Dead?!"

"Yes dead!" she screamed at me "They died in the plane crash 10 years ago! So I had to raise you myself, happy?"

They called my parents my aunt and uncle. Younghyun's parents claimed that my parents were my aunt and uncle and they have been sending me postcards from Vancouver. I've been playing a game this whole time. I kept up with a charade for 16 years. They sent me gifts from Canada like sweatpants and puffy jackets from that store Roots. But no, they didn't. They ordered it online and gave it to me for Christmas. I went onto their computer and I clicked some buttons. It leads me to the search history of the computer. I saw all the items they ordered, I was confused at first but I just shook my head like it was nothing. All this time, Younghyun's parents have been sending them, not my biological parents. I feel more pain coming in. At least Hyunjin knew his parents died, I didn't. I believed that my aunt and my uncle were my parents. I also believed that the reliable, talented older brother I had, was my older cousin. Why couldn't they be honest with me? I felt so miserable, but I had to accept their generosity. Why did they raise me? Couldn't they just give me to an orphanage?

"Why did you raise me?" I continued to cry "Is it because you pity me? Or since you raised me, you don't mind one more charity case? Are you doing this because you want to be a good person that everyone relies on, is that it?!"

Smack! She slapped me. My mom slapped me. An open-handed hit that caused a red mark on my cheek. I felt a stinging pain spreading around my cheek. I actually got smacked in the face. I felt my face, it was burning hot. Younghyun held her back. Wow, this is my first time getting slapped. I thought that only happened in dramas and students fighting but it happened to me because I was told the truth.

"Yeah, that's it" she started to tear up "I wanted to go to heaven! That's why I raised you, are you satisfied?"

I grabbed my hair in frustration and went out the door. I went up the stairs to the apartment rooftop. I went to the bench up there and buried my face and cried even more. It hurts so much. Wait until everyone hears this and becomes a bigger thing at school. The whole webtoon thing is already bad, why make it worse? Since when were people interested in my life? It's not like it mattered anyway. What's so interesting about a 16-year-old's life? I haven't had my phone for days, almost a week. I put my hair behind my ear and wiped my tears but it was useless, more tears would just come out. I buried myself in my hands again. I feel so numb. I can't feel myself anymore. I look up to the stars. They light up the night. It's like they're smiling at you, that's why it's bright. Their bright smiles are so bright that they light up the dark night. I went back and looked down. I just thought to myself until someone calls me.

"Hyerin," someone calls me "Are you okay?"

  ｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ.

a/n!sorry for the delayed updates and stuff like that, so much has happened in the past two-three months and it's been fucking me up recently but dw i'm kinda back on my feet so yeah :D (new emoticon yee)