My Emotions

My Life Philosophy

I used to think nothing matters. That everything at the end is just how it is, everything is useless and nothing matter because at the end trying to making sense of something that overall was just a coincidence and never had a specific reason to be, is just absurd. Of cource did I have personal values. I had things that gave me pleasure, things that I hated and things that were important to me even when I thought at the end nothing matters.
I tried give my Life avalue with my goals and purposes not general ones but with my own personal ones. For example being useful for my environment.
I did still think nothing matters but it could be nice while it lasts so why not make the best of it?

But I now i think that I will stop giving a fuck. I will accept the absurdity of my Sisyphus. I should just live for the purpose of solely living or maybe for no purpose at all. I just do and there doesn't have to be a reason. I live because I want to and when I don't want to, then it's how it is. I'll try and try and see what I really want but I know that not wanting to live is, for me, pure suffering.
So i try to get better but the problem is that I like suffering. Im addicted to it and the thought of giving up on myself and on everything is so alluring but at the same time when I finally get to the point of suffering I start hating it. So I'll just let it be. I wont get myself allured anymore, neither by my self harm nor by my self sabotage. I'll work with what I have and better the quality of my life.

Regardless if im usefull or good. I'll just be. I accepted the sisyphus of my life.