My Emotions

What would I do if I only had 48 hours left to live?

I suppose I would spend quite a long time thinking about what to do, not in the sense of what I would like to experience, but in the moral sense of how to deal with everything. Should I now quickly write down what should happen to my body? Should I now decide which people I would like to meet before I die and who I should tell about my impending death?

I would probably not be able to realise it. I mean death is something so strange. Suddenly in 48 hours I'm a abruptly fully gone. It will be just like before I was born. It will be nothing. And accordingly it can also be completely irrelevant what I still want to experience, but if I were to look realistically at how I would like to spend the time before I die, then I would meet my friends again one by one.

I would lie in bed, feel everything again. Take a shower and shave my legs because it's such an extremely nice feeling to have shaved legs and to then jump under the soft blankets of my bed.
I would want to cuddle again and hug all my friends one last time to remember how it feels like, although that wouldn't work anyway because still in my opinion death is nothing. Maybe that's why I find reality so strange and unreal, because what is what I experience anyway? I find it strange and unreal. It scares me not to know what it is that I'm experiencing and I don't know why. Reality is so strange.

I would go swimming in the lake with my friends one last time. One last time feeling that fun and adventure. Although I probably wouldn't even be able to completely enjoy the time because I would always have to remember that I have a very limited time left and I'd be reminded again and again of this terrible fear of letting go everything.
I would want to have one last good cry and one last laughing fit. I would want to enjoy the silence of nature one last time. Lying down and feeling the sun, feeling and enjoying the fresh air, hearing the wind blowing through the trees and the sound of leaves and children playing in the background. All of this one last time.

I probably won't get anything done anyway and I'd just be a crying piece of shit at first, unable to control anything and afraid of dying. Just like everyone else and then I'll keep dying a meaningless death and no one will ever hear from me again. People will grieve but that's okay. It will pass. And at some point the memory of me will be gone and I will be one of the countless dead people that's this world has brought. So small and insignificant, but that's the world, that's life. Simply small and insignificant, even though you'd believe you are something "special". Even if you were, there are many special people. And yet no one knows them and in the end they are just as insignificant as the cruel death without meaning.

June of 2020