The Way You Make Me Feel [ J.J ]

20.

tw; talk of bad relationships, relapse mention

JJ didn't say anything, instead dramatically waving her arm and letting me go inside. I put my bag down and turned to face her, watching her take the last sip of the bottle and set it down next to three others.

"JJ-"

"I'm fine, Y/N. Honestly. I've done worse." she walked over to the couch, sitting down.

"Okay but you drank three bottles of wine. How long did it take you to drink those?"

"Why do you even care?" she snapped, looking at me. "You said we were done. We were over."

"Jayje," I sat down next to her grabbing her hand, frowning as she snatched it away. "I only said that because it was hurting me to see you getting so worked up about it. I shouldn't have said that, I should have listened to you. I should have listened to you and heard your side of the story, but I acted rash because I didn't know you were hurting. I didn't know that I was hurting you, and I'm sorry. I'm sorry this is all so fucked up and that I'm the reason everything is-"

"It's not you, Y/N." JJ finally looked at me, tears in her eyes. "It's me. My last relationship... it was ten years ago. I haven't dated anyone since him. I got scared. I saw you with her and I... I ran. Because I don't know how to properly deal with my feelings. Because my last relationship fucked me up so bad that I can't even hold onto the one thing that makes me happy anymore." she wiped at the tears that fell. "He cheated on me, the whole time. The whole time we were together, he was with someone else. We were engaged. We had plans to move in together. The small town High School sweethearts, getting married. Until I found out he had been texting some girl from Oklahoma the whole time we were dating, and he was planning on going to visit her as soon as he raised enough money. And when I found out, I was crushed. Nobody expected it. I had just moved to UPitt so I went absolutely wild. To the point where I drank a whole bottle of tequila by myself and woke up in the hospital with Penelope by my side scared out of her mind."

"I-I'm so sorry." I didn't know what to say, only holding out my hand for silent support. "I didn't know."

She took my hand, sniffling. "I don't tell people. That's why I got so hurt. It reminded me of what happened. What could happen. Because I really li-" she paused. "I really like you, more than I've liked anyone else. I thought it wasn't real and I thought it was just a trick but I really do like you. A lot."

"And I like you too. I like you so much that it scares me." I started. "The last time I liked someone this much, I got hurt too. Not only that, but everything with my mom... I'm not a perfect person. I'm not a perfect person and I'll never be perfect but I want to be perfect for you because you deserve someone who's perfect and-"

"But you are." JJ turned to directly face me, her face turning serious. "You're perfect. You're so fucking perfect it blows my mind. Everything about you I- I'm so entranced by you it scares me. It scares me but in a good way. In such a good way that I miss when you're not in my arms. And I'm absolutely terrified about it."

"I am too. I'm so scared. Any second Dean Strauss could find out. Anyone could find out that I'm absolutely crazy about you, Jennifer Jareau. I'm so attracted to you that it feels wrong when I'm not with you wrapped up in your arms. It hurts me when I'm not talking to you, or not looking at you. And I want you to know that. My trauma responses are a bitch, and I treated you in a way that I should never have treated you. And I'm sorry."

"I'm sorry too. I'm really sorry."

Both of us were crying at this point, and we just sat there, crying in each other's embraces. It hurt me so much to hear what she went through, and how she was scared she was going to lose me the same way. How she lost her literal high school sweetheart because of some other girl, and saw the exact same scenario playing out with me and Kate. My heart broke for her, knowing she had been through so much and seeing how it affected her was the cherry on top. I hated the fact that I hurt her so bad. I hated the fact that I made her go through three bottles of wine because she thought she lost me. I hated the fact that I made her hurt.