The Way You Make Me Feel [ J.J ]

19.

Her apartment was decently big, since her mother was paying for it with the money she made from the Ambassador position she had. Despite the fact that she and Emily didn't get along, she still tried to buy Emily's love. I went straight to the couch, curling into a ball in the corner, pulling my knees up to my chest. Clattering sounds came from the kitchen, and shortly thereafter the whistle of a tea kettle, and I just knew she was making me a tea. I fought back the tears that were threatening to fall as I thought about everything I had done and how I royally fucked up big time. Emily came to sit down on the couch with me, handing me a cup of tea. I took a small sip, shooting her a smile as a thank you. We sat in silence as I sipped my tea, knowing that she was going to listen whenever I was ready to talk.

"Em, I think I messed up."

---

When I came too, I was curled up under a blanket on Emily's couch. Emily wasn't in the living room, but I figured she was still in the apartment because I heard some shuffling around. I got up to find the bathroom, not realizing that I was passing Emily's bedroom until I heard the hushed tones of her talking on the phone.

"No, no I get that babe." she paused. "Elle she's really hurting. No, you are not going to give Jennifer a piece of your mind. I'm just saying, we need to help her. I honestly don't know what to do. She's curled up on my couch right now because she cried herself to sleep from all the stress. She told me she hasn't eaten in six days, and this will be the seventh if we don't figure something out." another pause. "I'm aware that you want to kill her, but I'm stopping you. I'm not bailing you out, Eleanor."

I slid past her door quickly, finding the bathroom and shutting the door. I heard Emily stop talking for a second, realizing that I was awake. I sat on the toilet, trying to collect my thoughts. I had spilled so much to Emily that I probably could have kept to myself- but I couldn't be alone with everything going on right now. There was so much happening so fast, and I didn't know how to handle it. Within two weeks, I was in a happy situationship, and next thing I knew I was basically kicked to the side of the curb. We were supposed to be trying. We were supposed to be trying to be together and I went and fucked it up. I fucked it up bad, and I didn't know what to do anymore.

I stood up and splashed some water in my face before I walked back out to the main room, where Emily was making something in the kitchen. I sat back down in the spot I was in previously, grabbing one of the pillows on Emily's couch and hugging it close to my chest. I was at a total loss, and it was obvious. Stuck at cross roads that were difficult to navigate despite the way I chose to go. I had gotten myself wrapped up in one of the worst love triangles of my life. Stuck between my teacher, and the barista who had apparently been silently pinning over me since my freshman year. Emily locked eyes with me as she pointed down to whatever it was she made, and I could smell the scent of pasta sauce filling the apartment. My stomach growled, but I wasn't sure if I'd be able to keep anything down. I got up and made myself a tiny plate anyway, knowing deep down that I'd need to eat something if I wanted to... you know... function like a true adult.

We made our way back to the couch and I sat down, pushing around the noodles with my fork. I wasn't hungry as I thought I was, but I didn't want to be rude and not eat. Emily knew I was struggling, and didn't say anything, simply sitting there in my company. I finally was able to get a few forkfuls down, but it was all my stomach could manage before I started to feel nauseous. I put the plate down on the coffee table, going back to sitting with my legs curled up against my chest, hoping the pressure would calm the wave of nausea that just hit me. I was doing really bad, and Emily knew that. Hell, our whole friend group knew that.

Sometime later, Emily finally spoke.

"You really like her, don't you?"

"Yeah." I admitted, feeling my cheeks turn red. "I think I do."

"You think or you know?"

"I-" I hesitated. "I thought I knew."

"Y/N, you can't deny what you're feeling towards her. Everyone around us sees it. She makes you super happy. When you're not with her, you're a wreck."

"You can say that again." I chuckled.

"You two really need to fix things, and I know I'm not the only one who knows that. You're hurting, Y/N, and I hate to see you like this. You're turning into a shell of the Y/N I've learned to love and I just want you to be happy again."

"How can I be happy though, Em? How can I be happy if it's so wrong?"

"Love is love, you pinhead." she jokingly punched me in the arm. "No matter what society says. You may not believe it, but you being happy is all of our number one priority right now. What you did with Kate, you were trying to deny the feelings you truly have for Ms. Jareau. Everything that's happened, that will happen, it's only happening because you're scared. You're scared of your own feelings and how strong they are, and how they're affecting you. You didn't think that you could fall for someone this easily, and now that it's happening you're running. You don't know how to deal with it, and it's affecting not only you, but her too. You're not just hurting yourself. You're hurting each other, because you don't know how to deal with your feelings."

"I-" I paused. She was right. "I don't want to be scared, Emily."

"Then don't be! You need to talk to her and tell her how you feel."

"I tried. That's when I ended things."

"Well you need to try again." Emily looked at me with a pointed look. "And don't quote me on this but I think Elle is hunting her down, so you better get to her before Elle does."

"I- she's not."

"I tried to stop her." Emily chuckled. "Deep down, Y/N, only you know what's right for yourself. And if being with her will make everything right again, you need to fix that. You can't pretend that you two avoiding each other is going to make everything magically work again. It only works if you both put effort into what you're doing. You can't just presume everything is one sided, because it isn't. You have to remember, she's a human too, a human with feelings, ones that could be as strong as yours are." she paused. "Do you want me to drop you off at her place? You guys should talk it out."

"Yeah, actually, if you could."

Emily smiled and got up off of the couch, taking both of our plates to the kitchen and grabbing her keys, the two of us going down to her car. She had me direct her to JJ's apartment building, and I thanked her, to which she shot me a supportive smile and a small "go get your girl." I ran to the buzzer and punched her code in, the door opening as I went inside, going to the elevator and hit the button to her floor. I anxiously drummed my fingers as the elevator went up, stopping at a few floors before the doors finally opened to her floor, and I rushed out, going to her door. I stopped in my tracks, my hand hovering over the knocker. Was this a good idea? Did I really want to do this? I had been hurt a lot over the past two weeks, and I wasn't sure if I truly wanted to go through with this. I heard Emily in the back of my mind, pushing me towards the thing I truly wanted- towards her. I finally mustered up the courage to knock on her door.

A few seconds later she opened the door, and she looked as worse as I did. Her eyes were red and blotchy from crying, and I could practically feel the tiredness radiating off of her. She was dressed in baggy old sweatpants and my old freshman year dorm shirt, the one with my last name plastered along the back. Day old makeup was smudged under her eye, almost as if she had cried it all off. A bottle of wine was in her hand, and it was practically empty. Maybe at least a sip or two left in the bottle at most. She gave me a once over and let out a laugh, but I could tell she was truly hurting. About everything that we had put each other through. My heart lurched as I took in her image, deep down knowing she was only like this because I was stupid enough to break things off. It was all my fault.

I was the reason she was like that. 

"Jennifer? We need to talk."