13 Novella 4

Paradox

That night you visit the library again, padding softly down the Tardis corridors and following the soft orange light.

You arrive and begin to search.

It takes you well over an hour, but eventually you come across the relevant articles. You sit by soft golden light, reading article after article about the suffragettes, your heart leaping every time you came across 'Davison' or 'Pankhurst'.

You read about their lives, and what happened after the races. One particular picture you fold up and tuck into your pocket.

It's fuzzy and old, in black and white, but it's an image of Emily and Miss Pankhurst, stood talking to a young girl in a dress that you know is grey in real life, a set with matching cream ribbons.

You stare at yourself in their presence, absorbing the picture until you see it even when you close your eyes.

Too tired to find your bedroom, you curl up on the maroon sofa situated in the corner and slip off to sleep.

You wake to various shuffles and thumps, opening your eyes to see The Doctor carrying armfuls of books and arranging them neatly.

You stand and begin to clear up your own mess when she pauses and turns.

"I didn't think you'd be awake for a while yet" she comments and you smile, folding up the articles and tucking them inside their respective books.

"Sorry, I was up quite late" you say in response to your unconventional sleeping arrangements and scattered research.

"That's ok, I gathered" she nods kindly, throwing a book in the air.

It stops about twelve feet up, shaking slightly, before putting itself neatly in a nook on the available shelf.

You try a similar method with your history book, throwing it up where it also shakes then tucks itself neatly away.

You smile, loving the Tardis more and more as The Doctor finishes up.

"Are you ok about what happened?" She asks and you nod.

"It was always a risk, but I'd say it's worth it" you shrug and her smile drops slightly.

"It's a miracle that you found me so quickly" she says and you smile at that.

"Yeah well your head was full of me, it was quite hard to miss" you grin and she returns it, stopping when you frown suddenly, having felt your coat pocket crackle.

You pull out the picture and read a small heading you hadn't noticed before.

It's a statement from Miss Pankhurst herself. At the end of the article is the phrase Deeds not words.

"What is it?" Asks The Doctor as you do some serious thinking.

"When I was talking to Emily she had never heard 'Deeds not Words' before. She told me I was clever and creative for coming up with it. But I didn't. I only knew it because I learned it in school. But if I got it from a historical article, and she got it from me, where did it start?" You rush out and The Doctor looks randomly delighted.

"That, young (Y/n), is called a bootstrap paradox. And you've explained it very well. It's a common mystery of time that I often deal with in Time travel. Actually last time I dealt with this was when I became Beethoven..."

She looked temporarily wishful and you decide not to interrupt. Suddenly she smiles. "Anyway long story short, who came up with those words? We may never know, and sometimes we just have to accept the unknown" she finishes while you stare at her, somehow having understood everything she just said.

"Then, does it matter? If we accept everything that happens, does that mean everything happens for a reason? Or everything that happens has no reason and no purpose, so we could have interfered?" You theorise, pacing across the library floor while The Doctor watches you.

"(Y/n) I know it's hard but there are rules, there may be no reason- but it happened, so it has to stay that way." She pictures your sister and you begin to pull at your hair in frustration.

"No it doesn't! Time can be rewritten! What happened to my sister"- The Doctor looks angry at herself that you had caught that thought of hers-" it may have been complete coincidence, in fact it was! Wrong place and wrong time, but if nothing happens for any reason, how is that fair?" You say, voice rising and cracking.

"(Y/n) time can be rewritten, yes, but there are fixed points. Things that can never be changed! Don't you see? I can't change your past or the entire future shifts, I may never have met you!" She explains breathlessly, but you've moved on.

"How is it fair? Right now I should be at home with Abi, getting the shit beaten out of me to protect her! It's horrible but she would be alive at least! Don't tell me she's better off this way, I should have died, you saw my grave, why didn't that happen in my reality?! Why didn't I just fucking die when I should have?!" You shout, losing control.

"(Y/n) listen to me right now! You can play the what if game for the rest of your life, but you'll only ever be living in the past. This is what happened, and I can't change it. Every day you make thousands of tiny decisions that completely shift your future. You can't control it, and you just have to accept that" she finishes and you slump in defeat.

She takes a step towards you, then another, testing if you see alright with it. Finally she wraps her arms around you and you find yourself relaxing against her despite the fear of intrusion. You almost welcome it. Being in someone else's mind for a bit would be bliss. But you don't want to force you way in.

"I admire you (Y/n)" she mumbles into you hair and you sigh. "After everything you've been through, and you still work so hard to question and do the right thing. Never change. You are one of the bravest people I have ever met. You are enough, and you are perfect." She says quietly, and you feel the tears begin to gather behind your eyes.

"I'm so tired of losing people" you whisper and she squeezes you tighter. You grip her lilac coat and and she strokes your hair gently with soft fingers that send warmth from your scalp to your neck.

"There are certain people you will never lose" she mutters softly and you smile gently, now refusing to let go.