How does it feel when it's the first time to be in a situation, first time to do this, first time to do that and so on?
Well I felt anxious and maybe a bit excited but most of the time anxious. Which is the reason why perhaps people don't extend the other leg.
My first time to drive a car with family - I already have my driver's license but I feel like backing out. I still drove. If I hadn't, then I wouldn't have experienced it. In the end, we remember how it feels. Was it "aw, that was awful" or was it "I'll never drive again." or was it "That was fun, let's do it again."
Sometimes when we give up the opportunity, we miss a lot of things. I guess it's the same thing when you are so restricted. There are many things you miss. There was one point that I gave up. I said, "What's the sense in loving? What's the sense of having friends if someday you know they'll just go away?"
I didn't stick up to it. I just said in my mind, if I don't give it a try, I'd miss a lot but I would be saved from future hurts.
But if I don't give it a try then could I live alone? Can I pretend that I like it alone? Can I pretend that I can do it alone without people noticing the pain - the burden that I'm carrying?
I learned to live life by flowing with it. Though there are times I'd like to go against it, I have to flow with it. Because even if you're a rock, you will surely break. Flowing with that current means trusting where the current takes you. You may get slapped in the rocks of trials, but you'd still flow even if you're weary.
I'm living this life always trusting in God. I did have my doubts but it is man who fails not the other way around.
Back to firsts.
I travelled alone for the first time and I felt so anxious. I can't help but tell my sis to pray for safe trip and all. I trusted the Lord and I didn't feel anxious anymore. It was a safe trip and God is really good nothing bad happened. Yup not what they pictured it as scary you'll get lost and kidnapped and all. Whoa! That's so funny whenever I think about it. He's not going to let anything like that happen. Or maybe I'm just over confident that God is always there and He'll protect me.
That was ok but the idea that the other person is going to get in trouble is another dilemma. I don't think about what will happen to me if another person will be in trouble. Like i don't care if I'm going to be in big trouble if only to help my sis from her trouble. But if it's not possible for me to help in person, I always lift it up to Him. And hope that everything will be ok.
Uhm I'd like to add here something about pretends and pretending just an insight from a friend's note.
For me, I don't like pretending. It's the same thing as having restrictions. And I don't like restrictions very much unless it is for good. When I pretend, I feel so tired, like all my energy has been drained. I don't pretend and certainly don't say things that I don't mean. That's the reason why I don't talk when I'm so angry, but I do tell them later so that I'll be able to tell them what I really wanted to say. When I say something just for the person to feel better, I usually take it back or not do it.
When I say what I feel, I spend a lot of time thinking about it before saying it. Because when I make decisions, they are usually final. When I set my heart into it, there's no stopping me. Only God will stop me.
