ALL THE LOVELY BAD ONES | CARL GRIMES

twelve. when the end comes

"Well, that's good to hear..." He paused, sensing the underlying tension, but hesitated to address it directly. A thick veil of unease settled between us, catching in my throat and reflecting in my tightened gaze. But then he straightened up, retreating to select another book, leaving behind a dark, gaping hole in the shelf he took it from. "Lord of the Rings?"

Jody loved Lord of the Rings. I swallowed hard, feeling bile rise in my throat. Jody was dead and dead boys have no use for stories about elves, dwarfs, and orks. Fairytales were pointless.

"I've read it—"

(I received an eye roll and yet another groan from the boy.)

"—But I think that you would like it," I added, my voice strained with forced gentleness. I didn't want to snap at him, but the memories of Jody's absence loomed heavily in my mind.

And then came The Look, the one that made me feel like the most idiotic person ever. Except this time, there was humor behind it. "I think I'll stick to comics."

"Hey, it's a great book." I defended, trying to suppress my sudden hostility towards Carl. I was doing just fine until I had remembered Jody. I took a deep breath. Carl and Jody did not coexist well in my brain and with good reason.

"Sure. It could be the best book. But nothing is going to stop it from being, like, seven-hundred pages." Carl flipped through the book, frowning at its contents. "When did you even have time to read this many books? Didn't you have friends?"

"No," I replied sharply, the word carrying more bite than I intended. I looked away quickly, feigning disinterest by casually scratching at the wood of the table.

Carl hadn't seemed to expect that answer. "What do you mean? All the kids here adore you."

"I dunno." I shrugged, uncomfortable with the subject. I had to think a moment, who had been my friend growing up? Not a single, sturdy name came to mind, at least none I wouldn't honor myself with the title of being their friend.

I had always yearned for what the other girls had. Holding hands and friendship bracelets and sharing secrets inside the tunnel slide. Sometimes I felt like they spoke a language I couldn't understand. I was a follower, never a leader. The third one on the sidewalk that ends up walking on the grass, which was completely fine by me, I would never dare rock the boat, never try to claim a place I didn't deserve.

My only friend for the longest time was Jody. I was too shy during elementary to secure any other true friendships. Sure, there were spots here and there where I had someone to sit with at lunch or even a few times where I was invited over to play dolls and I always had a nice group at my birthday parties but for the most part I loned it. Reading during recess or staying back to help a teacher. I was quiet and soft spoken, an easy target for bullies. Jody was three years older than me so I didn't see much of him at school but he did rough up a boy for teasing me once and after that I was mostly left alone. Outside of school, I would sit in the dugout during Jody's baseball practice or he would let me tag along out to pizza and a movie with his friends. He never left me out, always made me feel important. I used to wonder how I could survive without him. And now, here I am, alive and breathing while my brother no longer even exists.

I grit my teeth, reminding myself that this was not the time nor place to think such things. There was no point on dwelling on it. If I thought about it too much I'd just get confused and upset and hurt. Then I'd get mad at Carl all over again and I was so sick of being mad.

Jody was dead. That was something I was going to have to live with.

I steadied my breathing, focusing on the sound of Carl rummaging through the shelves.