The Space Between Failing and Falling • Snarry •

Chapter 14: Explorations and Epiphanies

"Better?" Harry asks sleepily.

"Quite." He feels almost comfortable getting changed into his nightshirt by candlelight.

He puts his wand under his pillow, blows out the candles and draws the hangings of the four-poster bed shut. When he gets under the covers, Harry reverses, crosses Severus's arm over his chest, and entwines their fingers. Severus kisses the back of Harry's neck and he is so warm and lovely to hold, like an unexpected gift.

Harry asks, "So you're a virgin?"

Severus stiffens.

Though they're headed down a one-way path, the boy has to know before he commits.

"No."

All is quiet for a while. "So...you've been with girls?"

Severus rests his forehead between Harry's shoulder blades. "In a sense," he murmurs. Harry deserves to know. He needs to tell him, must find a way to put it into words. "I took part in the violation of a woman," Severus says. "Once."

The silence is palpable.

"Oh," Harry says at long last.

He swivels around in bed, but Severus speaks before he can say anything more. "I intervened," he chokes out. "I overpowered the others with the Imperius Curse as soon as I was able. Staged her passing with the Draught of Living Death. The Dark Lord was...displeased, when he learnt she'd died. Then later...I wiped the memory, took her to a hospital," Severus says. "You must understand. I couldn't take her to the infirmary, she couldn't see Hogwarts as a Muggle. Poppy wasn't in the Order. I had to stay alive and keep cover until I found you, I didn't know what to do. And you knew the state of my blackened soul ever since you pursued me—"

"Shh," Harry says, pressing his finger to Severus's lips. "It's all right. You don't have to explain." He kisses Severus's brow. "I'm sorry you had to do all that awful stuff. But you did your best, you did what you could." Severus nods desperately. "You saved her life, cut short what was happening. If you stopped it at the start, your cover would've been blown, and then I couldn't have killed him. You tried your best, didn't you?"

"Yes," Severus says hoarsely. He wishes he could see Harry's face, he can only feel his warm breath.

Harry edges closer, so they are nose to nose, and a thumb rubs circles on his shoulder. "And now I've killed him, you won't have to be in a situation like that ever again. Did you know they'd...do things like that, when you joined?"

"Never." He can feel Harry nod. "Though don't misunderstand me, back in the seventies I heard they were killing Muggles but it was laughed off as all rumour, and yet I was stupid enough to sign up without being in possession of all the facts. Like a fool, I was drawn to the power, the political movement, the magic he promised to teach me," he says.

Harry traces his fingers along the faint wrinkles between Severus's eyebrows.

"Did Dumbledore know? What it involved, when he sent you back as a spy?"

"I didn't go into granular detail. But he knew."

Harry doesn't say anything for a while, and just strokes the side of Severus's neck. It isn't very soothing. Verbalising this horror has highlighted how outrageous it is that he dares to share a bed with Potter.

"Draco told me Professor Burbage didn't resign," Harry whispers.

"No. I was there—"

"Shh," Harry says. "It's okay. They held a secret memorial for her. I got the memory for you, in case you wanted to go, but couldn't. I didn't know how to bring it up before."